MHAW: Relationships in Mental Health – The Relationship With Yourself

Leah writes about how sometimes the most important relationship you can have is the one with yourself

-Leah Fuller

The focus of this week’s Mental Health Awareness Week is relationships, and I know that other blog posts have already touched upon friendships as a great support network if you are struggling with mental health issues. Personally, I wanted to touch on a relationship that many of us forget we have – the one with ourselves. 

Mental health issues can be a very isolating experience, especially when we think we are fighting it alone or that no-one else understands how we feel. Other relationships in our lives, be that with parents, partners, friends, or teachers are unquestionably important. However, having a relationship with yourself is undeniably even more significant throughout life. If we cannot start to believe in ourselves, like ourselves, or care for ourselves, the battle to recovery feels even more of an uphill climb. 

So, with that in mind, here are three things I personally believe you can do to improve both your relationship with yourself and your mental health:

Believe in yourself

Struggling with my own mental health, I have often thought ‘I can't do this’, ‘I'm a failure’, or ‘I'm not good enough’, as I’m sure many people can relate to. But the more we say these negative phrases the more we believe they are true. In reality, and you’ll have to trust me here, they are 100% NOT true for anyone. Believing in yourself is no easy feat, but one way to start is to tackle those thoughts by changing them to positives such as ‘I can’ and ‘I will’. The more you say them, the more you will start to believe in yourself. 

Take care of yourself

Again this is no easy task, sometimes when we’re feeling rubbish all we want to do is curl up in our duvet and hide away, but in doing this we forget to look after ourselves. It is so important to make sure you take time to eat properly, get a good amount of sleep, and do some exercise - as the saying goes healthy body, healthy mind. The best way I have found to make sure I do this is to plan my day with a to-do list including these tasks, and ticking each one as I go. This helps to acknowledge that you have both achieved things in the day and are looking after yourself. Once you’re into a routine, it’s much easier to take care of yourself. 

Make time for yourself

All too often we are too busy working towards the next deadline to make time for ourselves, to do the things we like, that bring us happiness and help us to relax. To improve your relationship with your mind, make sure you take time out, whether that’s to read a book, watch your favourite TV show, or just walk round the block. Getting some head space can really improve your outlook and do wonders for your mental health. 

Try hard this week to build a better relationship with yourself. I know it may seem a huge and hard step to take, especially if you feel you're at the bottom, but even if you take it in baby steps it will help you to be and feel happier.

MHAW: Experiences of Mental Illness within a Relationship

Saira writes about how mental health problems can be within a relationships and how it is more common than you think to raise awareness for Mental Health Awareness Week.

- Saira Wood

"Dear Wife,

I speak, but I worry that you don't hear my words, or the secrets hidden between them. I cry, but I keep it hidden inside in case you think less of me. I worry, but I stand tall and act strong in hope I'll believe I am. I feel, less of a man, less of a husband, less of a person, but I won't tell anyone because they'll see me as weak.

I wish I were louder, happier, confident, stronger, and proud of myself, but I struggle every day to find myself again. I struggle to understand why you don't leave. How you can love someone like this. Why you still tell me you love me."

"Dear Husband,

You had nightmares again last night. I didn't wake you, but I held you. I kissed your cheek, I gently rocked you and I whispered in your ear that I was here. And just as normal, you fell into a deep sleep. I don't tell you each morning because I know you'll feel embarrassed. I don't want you to have to remember again, talk about it again, relive it again. I washed your favourite shirt for the morning. I made your coffee extra sweet. I used my lunch hour to go get your favourite meal for us to have for dinner. I can't do much about the past, my love, but I can make life now easier. I wish I could stop the nightmares for good, but I can hold you through them. I know deep down you worry about looking weak, needy, fragile and vulnerable...but my love, you have only ever been strong, brave, courageous and incredible."

People understand more than you think. Let's talk about mental health.

Mental health is serious. It's real, and it has no boundaries. From post natal depression, to PTSD, personality disorder to OCD, in fact 1 in 4 people in the UK will experience a mental health problem each year. Yet we still shy away from talking about our problems. Stigma and stereotypes have led to mental illness having a negative connotation when we should be celebrating the positives.

The more people that are diagnosed and treated, the better our understanding, the less taboo the subject, and most importantly....the larger the support system.

It's easy to bottle things up and pretend we can cope, but why should we have to? Relationships in mental health are so important - and when you start to open up about your problems you realise there are so many people dealing with the same disease, and that's just what it is. A disease.

We are not defined by our problems, and we are not controlled them.

People understand more than you think. Let's talk about mental health.

- the stories above were taken from parts of my dissertation where I spoke to a Navy Veteran and his wife 

MHAW: Depression and Me- The art of living with Depression

As part of Mental Health Awareness Week, Catherine talks about her experience in living with depression and anxiety.

-Catherine North

I’m Catherine and I’m 22 years old. I study business management at Plymouth University although I’m currently on placement at my wonderful student union.

I’ll start by giving the reality of depression:

Depression makes you feel worthless. Not worthy of your own company, your friends company, anyone’s time. It makes everything a chore: from making a cup of tea to showering. For years, I found myself struggling to get out of bed and to do anything that took even the smallest part of energy. I found the only thing that kept me alive was being distracted from my own mental battles in social situations. I couldn’t be alone as I scared myself so much. I knew what I was capable of and ended up in hospital when I found everything too much. I would be there for countless other people’s problems and would bend over backwards to ensure everyone else’s happiness was in priority over my own, because in my head, I saw happiness for me as something completely unachievable and I wanted no one else to even suffer a glimpse of what went on in my head. I had been back and forth to doctors, to clinics, been offered pills,

therapy, you name it and I refused all of it because mentally I saw it as giving in, as being a failure and as another thing to add to the long list of reasons not to be alive.

The internet is probably my biggest help source when dealing with my depression and anxiety. I felt for so long like it was just me and my doctor who knew what I was dealing with but once I started to accept that I couldn’t just keep pushing these issues away, I discovered a whole new world of people sharing their experiences of mental health. I would search hashtags on twitter and read blogging websites where a simple four line poem would make more sense to me than anything I’d ever read.

So when I was asked to write this, I couldn’t really say no.

I’ve struggled with mental health issues from a young age, so I guess I went into university thinking I’d push past it, just like I did with every other educational aspect. I could get good grades for some work while managing to scrape a pass in others due to my inability to function 90% of the time. Although still convinced I wouldn’t be alive when I was 24, I still wanted to fight.

I think the worst part for me has been understanding how I could feel so low even when I knew there were no major problems in my life. I had friends, I had family, I went to a good school etc. I think those moments when you are sat there wanting to kill yourself, yet you’re sat in the sun in your garden laughing with your friends made me so confused about who I really was. I could be two people at once and I was convinced I knew which one would win eventually. My relationships with people could be perfect and I still felt uncomfortable and dissatisfied to the point where I have been in bed with someone I love and actually been known to literally run a mile away (they were quite fast and managed to keep up luckily).  

Being exhausted is normality and the coping mechanisms I’d used when I was 12 were the only way I knew how to behave when I left home at 18. I struggled being away from the people I loved massively, I would only leave the house to get drunk (or for pizza but only pizza). I either found myself numb, hurting everyone or caring too much and then making myself distraught when I felt it wasn’t reciprocated. A Levels, being a teenager, friends, boys, a difficult home life and my own brain telling me what I felt was normal meant I never sat back to examine myself . I just ran at everything at 100mph until I realised when I got to Plymouth that this wasn’t possible unless I wanted to lose my dreams that I did genuinely care about.

University made me realise how important is was for me to put my mental health before anything else. Due to the pressure of exams and deadlines, I found myself reaching breaking point more often than I had previously, which led me to realise that I couldn’t just scrape through like when I was younger. I struggle with any relationship; if it’s romantic, I will constantly imagine them abandoning me. Thoughts such as “they don’t really like you they are just using you” are constantly at the forefront. With friendships I find that as soon as I feel comfortable to be more outspoken, people retract. I push people away, push them to their limit and it’s almost like I think you can’t hurt me more than I’ve hurt myself.

The relationship that saved me was actually my tutor. I emailed him asking him to see him and I found myself opening up about almost everything to him. He made it clear to me how important it was I saw someone or I would lose everything I was aiming for. I’m great at convincing myself I’m fine and ten minutes later I’ll have had an awful breakdown. I’m still like it now but taking his advice and trying what works for me, has meant I’ve become more self-aware and able to stop my brain before spiralling too far down a trail of despair. I can’t always get out of it, I’m still learning to notice when I do it, or to calm my nerves and focus on what’s in front of me than the tiny slip up I just made that no one else noticed but my brain has decided that from now on everyone who noticed hates me and will no longer talk to me (I’d be lying if I said I still don’t do this daily, but just not as much).

It sounds crazily selfish to me still, but I realised that if I was to achieve what I thought I could, I had to give myself a break and be selfish. To know when I needed space, to listen to myself and to put myself at the forefront of everything I did. I was constantly trying to make others happy because the last thing I wanted was for anyone to feel as horrendous as I did.

Choosing to tell my tutor and my current employer means I know that if I need space, am having a bad day or I end up in a bad state, I have the support there if I choose to use it (and it is a big decision still). I get embarrassed, I feel silly and I feel like someone is opening up a deep wound when I call for help but I actually found more people understood and could help than I realised.

There is no answer to fixing your mental health and there is no timing on the recovery, but the more open we are about it then hopefully it will encourage others to share their experiences and get the help they need to achieve what they know deep down they are capable of. I’m nowhere near where I need to be to feel the clear head I do occasionally and I can make cups of tea on autopilot, but I feel like now it is within reach.

I now look upon my experiences as that maybe I wasn’t mentally strong enough to deal with them then, but they have taught me how to be strong. I didn’t give up, and now I wake up feeling like I have energy and ways to channel it into improving things and becoming ever more productive.

Catherine uses websites such as http://medium.com and http://thoughtcatalog.com for online support as well as other self-care methods such as writing a thought down per day. If you suffer from depression and anxiety or know someone who does, the following websites can provide useful information and resources:

http://blurtitout.org

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/introduction.aspx

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/d/depression

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/#.VzuH-2M141g

http://www.studentminds.org.uk/ripple.html

Speaking to your GP can also help provide support in terms of diagnosis and treatment. 

Student Midwives: Coping With the Pressure

This piece discusses the journey student midwives go through during their process of becoming fully qualified and how to cope with the pressures the training entails.

-JMW

Studying with a view to succeed in any career can be daunting, but for those training to become a midwife - a role of huge responsibility, but also great reward - the pressure can seem all the greater. However, it needn't be so. While studying to be a midwife can be extremely difficult, it can also be great fun, and overcoming the challenges it presents will stand you in good stead as you progress through your career.

Getting Your Qualifications 

To become a midwife, you are required to complete a Nursing and Midwifery Council-approved three-year midwifery degree. The course leads to registration with the council, and thus you become a registered midwife. As with all courses, it is not intended to be easy. Rather, it serves to prepare you for what to expect once you qualify. Completing the course may be tough, but remember it is this way for a reason, and if you're having difficulty it is likely that your fellow students are too. So try not to worry too much - learning to be organised, efficient and, importantly, in control of your emotions, is all part of becoming a midwife. 

Studying to be a midwife can pose unique problems, and it is totally understandable - it's even to be expected - that you might struggle to balance all your responsibilities. Indeed, learning about midwifery is not simply intended to help you pass an exam, it is intended to help you make the right choices when it really matters in the real world. Very few roles provide the job satisfaction that helping to deliver a new life into the world can bring, and very few bring the same challenges. 

If you are having difficulty with your course, remember that people are around to help. Everyone knows that a midwife degree is difficult and your classmates, friends, tutors and family, not to mention student support services, can help you through. Don't be afraid to ask for help and don't assume you're the only one who knows what it's like to go through what you're going through - chances are a lot of others are too.

Training and Development 

Being a midwife demands certain key skills. The ability to inspire trust and confidence, excellent people skills, patience and calmness under pressure are just some of the traits of a successful midwife. Don't worry if you think you don't possess all of these just yet; this is what your course and subsequent training is for. 

You'll be required to meet the Nursing and Midwifery Council's post-registration education and practice standards - otherwise known as PREP - and to continue to meet the continuing professional development (CPD) standard. Rather than viewing these as obstacles to be overcome, consider them an opportunity to hone your skills and become the best midwife you can possibly be. 

Wendy Dudley, who has almost 20 years' experience as a midwife, explains that while midwifery training can be difficult and the hours stressful, the support of friends and family can make a real difference, providing the support you need to not only help with training, but also the mental support to keep you going. She says it is important that those close to you understand what you are going through, adding: "The training certainly would put pressure on a relationship and friends and family need to be aware of the importance of time management." 

Combating other pressures

The role of a midwife is unique not least because of the great responsibility that accompanies it. The pressure of bringing a baby safely into the world is immense, but so too is the reward. Midwives, as with any professional, are not immune from making mistakes. However, the training you go through reduces the likelihood of this happening. What's more, any mistakes may well be down to factors out of your control, such as staffing and time. 

Ms Dudley notes that while the job is very tough and never allows you to fully 'switch off', it is, ultimately, extremely rewarding. She says: "The nature of midwifery, and any career where you provide care, is that you don't focus on yourself. People who are good at this job need to be needed, and there is a lot of reward received from the job.

"There are not many jobs that when before you come home someone will take your hand and say 'I couldn't do this without you'. These women go from scared to happy and you get the credit for it. So, it's hugely rewarding and on the ground, that's your feedback and job satisfaction."

The Midwifery Qualifications, Training and Requirements infographic from JMW Solicitors explains what it takes to become a midwife and highlights the struggle every midwife goes through to get there. 

The piece is part of a wider campaign that questions whether midwives are receiving the support they need. It also looks at the role of a midwife, the day-to-day challenges they face and the various external pressures currently impacting upon the profession. 

MHAW: The Power of Friendship

Friendship is an important part of life; Grace and Lottie write about the reasons why friendship is particularly powerful as part of Mental Health Awareness Week

-Grace and Lottie

This week marks Mental Health Awareness Week. It is estimated that 1 in 4 people in England will experience a mental health problem in any given year, which is why it is so important to recognise your own symptoms and those symptoms in those closest to you.  In terms of the student population 92% of students have identified themselves as developing feelings of mental distress (NUS, 2013). This means that at times most of us will need support and a good friend can make the world of difference to many obstacles in life that we all share. Most importantly, when one is beginning to really struggle, a friend can make such a difference. 

Students are most likely to speak to friends when they are experiencing difficulties (Student Minds, 2011). Unfortunately, often people are worried about sharing their mental health problems with friends. There are several reasons for this, including stigma, the fear of being judged, finding the confidence, and the worry of being seen as weak being cited in research. Despite this, students often claim that they want nothing more than to keep in touch with friends and loved ones and be accepted for who they are.  

From a friend’s perspective, it may be hard to approach a friend that appears to be struggling, with students often not knowing what to say, when to say it and how to say it. This often leads to peers saying nothing at all despite wanting to be there for their friends. This highlights that we need to learn how to speak about mental health problems and the fact that starting up a conversation and putting out your hand for a friend regardless of if you know what to say can make all the difference.

People can be very good at hiding their difficulties and shockingly research also found that 1 in 4 people only discovered their friend was having problems when they were eventually admitted to hospital. Perhaps most distressing, was the fact that 1 in 20 were only aware of any problems when their friend had attempted to take their own life. These statistics are harrowing and open up the gateways for the importance of campaigning for and generally being positive and outspoken about the importance of open discussion of mental health and its implications for relationships and support networks. 

Also, understanding that just because you or a friend has a mental health problem or is going through difficulties does not mean that your friendship has to revolve around this, it does not need to be spoken about 24/7 – you can still be silly and do the fun stuff you used to do together. This will help you or your friend more than you think – so go on a relaxing walk, have a sleepover, plan a movie night, cook dinner together, have a cuppa tea – the little things really do make a difference. Perhaps you might find that your friend isn’t up for interactive activities. Ask what they might want at that time, send them a thoughtful text, write them a card or buy them a little gift. Let them know that you are there in times when they don’t feel like talking, and when they do.

Noticing that a friend is in need may be tricky, and even trickier may be attempting to talk to them about it in a supportive, non-patronising and caring manner. As well as this, being able to tell a friend about an issue can be stressful, frightening and may not seem worth it. However, it is important to remember that whichever side of the coin you’re on, it will always be worth it. A friend is one of the best things you can be and one of the most amazing things you can have. Reach out to a friend today and help make a positive change to both of your lives. 

Taking Control – Adapting to lifestyle change for a better well-being

Rhiannon writes about her year abroad studying and how she adapted to her new environment to control her eating disorder for the better.

- Rhiannon Long

As my six sessions of university-provided counselling sessions came to an end, I remember feeling nervous. I’d made so much progress during them, and felt I understood my eating difficulties so much better because of these sessions- but how would I cope without them? They were my weekly way of talking through my worries and gaining reassurance. I felt like I was heading back out into the unknown, without my safety net.

The sessions finished as the revision period for my summer exams began. Whilst this period for many can be particularly stressful and triggering, for me it provided structure. Unlike during the rest of the uni term, I was getting up early, going to the library all day with friends, and generally living an organised lifestyle. This was beneficial to my recovery; it gave me guidance for proper mealtimes, and company when I needed it most. I had set times every day for meditation and meals. Whilst this isn’t a long-term solution, for someone just setting out onto the path of recovery, this basic level of structure is exactly what I needed.

But as this period came to an end, and my exams were taken and university finished for the year, something new was on my horizon. My year abroad. All my friends were discussing the excitement of moving away for their time abroad, whilst for me, the nerves returned. Again, I was faced with the unknown, and my lifestyle of careful structure seemed in jeopardy. 

Once I moved, I felt caught between two emotions. On the one hand, I loved the new experiences and culture of my everyday life. But at the same time, I increasingly found myself in situations where my environment was harder to control. Friends were inviting me out for dinner spontaneously, meaning my food choices were out of my hands; my colleagues would suggest after work drinks, so I was unable to do my planned meditation for that night. I was adamant not to refuse social activities as I knew I would only be in Germany for a year, and I didn’t want my disorder dictating what kind of year that would be.

My year abroad has taught me many things- about myself, about another culture, about my language skills. But the most valuable lesson I’ve learnt is the one about control. My life this year has progressed unlike any previous years; I’ve been out of a school/university environment, out of that solid structure of education, and there are more factors which I can’t control. My internship as a journalist means I might not know in advance where I’ll be each day of the week, what time I’ll get home or when I’ll be free to exercise or meditate. There’s less of a stable environment that I can plan with a timetable. 

But whilst this may have scared the previous me; the me who was fresh out of counselling and still frightened of my illness, now I face this fact without fear, but with relish.

If my disorder had its way, I would constantly be isolated, scared of the outside world and these factors beyond my control. Unfortunately for my disorder, that’s what life is - uncontrollable factors. And the sooner I learnt that, the sooner I embraced them. Because they are what make life exciting.

Now if a colleague invites me out for sushi at the end of a long day at work, I don’t panic and think of the calories I’ll consume or the jogging session I’ll miss. I look forward to the chance to make a new friend, eat some good food, and have a whine about our impossible boss.

For more information on finding support, click here.

For more information on eating disorders, click here.

For more information on studying abroad, click here.

Making the Right Choice For You

Abbie talks about how it is ok not to follow the normal path, and the importance of getting help and taking the time to decide what's right for you.

- Abbie Mitchell

I've had mental health problems from the age of 13/14, but I was formally diagnosed after my breakdown at the age of 19. This happened shortly after I first attempted to go to university.

I was all set to move to a reputable, fun seaside town and embrace the wild and awakening student life that I'd seen so many embark on the year before me. I had travelled for a couple of months, the year before, on a shoe-string in attempt to 'free myself' from depression I never quite understood.

I came back and had uni lined up so that I'd "have something to focus on, to help shape my future", as advised by family. It was supposed to be some sort of direction.

People would respond in excitement when I told them I was moving away for university. "Uni - Oh, those will be the best days of your life!" they'd exclaim with joy.

I then went off and tried to settle into my new dorm. A friendly bunch of housemates, we all bonded fairly quickly. But as Freshers week loomed, and it was 'house party galore', I found myself feeling like it was a big effort to be seen as being fun and social. Getting involved felt like a lot of pressure. I didn't see the big deal and I just wanted to be alone.

Quite the socialite in my previous hometown, I didn't expect these new feelings. To my surprise I found myself increasingly anxious and began avoiding nights out, which is what I'd been told was 'essential' in making friends when you move away for university. I kept to myself, cooped up in my new little bedroom for as long as possible, 'away from it all,' until the breakdown warning signs began.

I couldn't eat as I'd lost my appetite. I'd be crying uncontrollably, pleading for help silently, with a knot in my stomach. I was continuously feeling sick, mentally and physically. When I couldn't get off of the bedroom floor, at my lowest point, is when I finally realised I needed help.

Eventually, I got in touch with my home friends and family and they encouraged me to come back and visit my GP.

I’d accepted that I wasn't well mentally when I had thoughts and engaged in self-destructive behaviours. Then came an admission as an inpatient at a mental health hospital. Therapy and medication followed along with a diagnosis of "Anxiety and Depression". It was a bit of a relief to find out more about this as I'd felt so isolated not knowing and just struggling with my mental health.

A simple conversation with a psychiatrist when I was in hospital was what helped me to figure out what I really wanted to do, instead of just going to uni for the sake of it. "Who are you? What makes you, you?" He asked. I thought he was being silly and sarcastic but the truth was that I had felt lost for a long time. The question made me think. I realised I'd gone to university simply because it was something everyone else did, not because it was something I wanted to study or do. The time was not right for me.

I managed to volunteer during my recovery and landed a paid role that led me to have confidence in the field I wanted to be in. A year later, I moved back to the city (where I was born and raised) and made a second go at a different university. I enrolled on a course that was more suited to my interests and not just for the sake of 'having something to do/to get direction'. Just because others may know what they want to do and it's a move that many make straight from A-levels doesn't mean it will be the right path for everyone. The sooner I accepted this the better. I can now reflect on my journey and recognise my own courage, rather than compare where I'm at to people who transitioned more smoothly.

In more familiar territory and with less of an emphasis on 'having to go out all the time and live life to the fullest', the second time round was a success for me. It was the right time and I felt more ready. I still struggled with anxiety but it was manageable. I completed my course and I'm now working in a field where I belong.

Everyone's experiences are unique and it's important that they find a route that's right for them. I may have taken the long way around, perhaps for me a wrong turn, but I built up some essential resilience a long the way.