MHAW: Depression and Me- The art of living with Depression

As part of Mental Health Awareness Week, Catherine talks about her experience in living with depression and anxiety.

-Catherine North

I’m Catherine and I’m 22 years old. I study business management at Plymouth University although I’m currently on placement at my wonderful student union.

I’ll start by giving the reality of depression:

Depression makes you feel worthless. Not worthy of your own company, your friends company, anyone’s time. It makes everything a chore: from making a cup of tea to showering. For years, I found myself struggling to get out of bed and to do anything that took even the smallest part of energy. I found the only thing that kept me alive was being distracted from my own mental battles in social situations. I couldn’t be alone as I scared myself so much. I knew what I was capable of and ended up in hospital when I found everything too much. I would be there for countless other people’s problems and would bend over backwards to ensure everyone else’s happiness was in priority over my own, because in my head, I saw happiness for me as something completely unachievable and I wanted no one else to even suffer a glimpse of what went on in my head. I had been back and forth to doctors, to clinics, been offered pills,

therapy, you name it and I refused all of it because mentally I saw it as giving in, as being a failure and as another thing to add to the long list of reasons not to be alive.

The internet is probably my biggest help source when dealing with my depression and anxiety. I felt for so long like it was just me and my doctor who knew what I was dealing with but once I started to accept that I couldn’t just keep pushing these issues away, I discovered a whole new world of people sharing their experiences of mental health. I would search hashtags on twitter and read blogging websites where a simple four line poem would make more sense to me than anything I’d ever read.

So when I was asked to write this, I couldn’t really say no.

I’ve struggled with mental health issues from a young age, so I guess I went into university thinking I’d push past it, just like I did with every other educational aspect. I could get good grades for some work while managing to scrape a pass in others due to my inability to function 90% of the time. Although still convinced I wouldn’t be alive when I was 24, I still wanted to fight.

I think the worst part for me has been understanding how I could feel so low even when I knew there were no major problems in my life. I had friends, I had family, I went to a good school etc. I think those moments when you are sat there wanting to kill yourself, yet you’re sat in the sun in your garden laughing with your friends made me so confused about who I really was. I could be two people at once and I was convinced I knew which one would win eventually. My relationships with people could be perfect and I still felt uncomfortable and dissatisfied to the point where I have been in bed with someone I love and actually been known to literally run a mile away (they were quite fast and managed to keep up luckily).  

Being exhausted is normality and the coping mechanisms I’d used when I was 12 were the only way I knew how to behave when I left home at 18. I struggled being away from the people I loved massively, I would only leave the house to get drunk (or for pizza but only pizza). I either found myself numb, hurting everyone or caring too much and then making myself distraught when I felt it wasn’t reciprocated. A Levels, being a teenager, friends, boys, a difficult home life and my own brain telling me what I felt was normal meant I never sat back to examine myself . I just ran at everything at 100mph until I realised when I got to Plymouth that this wasn’t possible unless I wanted to lose my dreams that I did genuinely care about.

University made me realise how important is was for me to put my mental health before anything else. Due to the pressure of exams and deadlines, I found myself reaching breaking point more often than I had previously, which led me to realise that I couldn’t just scrape through like when I was younger. I struggle with any relationship; if it’s romantic, I will constantly imagine them abandoning me. Thoughts such as “they don’t really like you they are just using you” are constantly at the forefront. With friendships I find that as soon as I feel comfortable to be more outspoken, people retract. I push people away, push them to their limit and it’s almost like I think you can’t hurt me more than I’ve hurt myself.

The relationship that saved me was actually my tutor. I emailed him asking him to see him and I found myself opening up about almost everything to him. He made it clear to me how important it was I saw someone or I would lose everything I was aiming for. I’m great at convincing myself I’m fine and ten minutes later I’ll have had an awful breakdown. I’m still like it now but taking his advice and trying what works for me, has meant I’ve become more self-aware and able to stop my brain before spiralling too far down a trail of despair. I can’t always get out of it, I’m still learning to notice when I do it, or to calm my nerves and focus on what’s in front of me than the tiny slip up I just made that no one else noticed but my brain has decided that from now on everyone who noticed hates me and will no longer talk to me (I’d be lying if I said I still don’t do this daily, but just not as much).

It sounds crazily selfish to me still, but I realised that if I was to achieve what I thought I could, I had to give myself a break and be selfish. To know when I needed space, to listen to myself and to put myself at the forefront of everything I did. I was constantly trying to make others happy because the last thing I wanted was for anyone to feel as horrendous as I did.

Choosing to tell my tutor and my current employer means I know that if I need space, am having a bad day or I end up in a bad state, I have the support there if I choose to use it (and it is a big decision still). I get embarrassed, I feel silly and I feel like someone is opening up a deep wound when I call for help but I actually found more people understood and could help than I realised.

There is no answer to fixing your mental health and there is no timing on the recovery, but the more open we are about it then hopefully it will encourage others to share their experiences and get the help they need to achieve what they know deep down they are capable of. I’m nowhere near where I need to be to feel the clear head I do occasionally and I can make cups of tea on autopilot, but I feel like now it is within reach.

I now look upon my experiences as that maybe I wasn’t mentally strong enough to deal with them then, but they have taught me how to be strong. I didn’t give up, and now I wake up feeling like I have energy and ways to channel it into improving things and becoming ever more productive.

Catherine uses websites such as http://medium.com and http://thoughtcatalog.com for online support as well as other self-care methods such as writing a thought down per day. If you suffer from depression and anxiety or know someone who does, the following websites can provide useful information and resources:

http://blurtitout.org

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/introduction.aspx

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/d/depression

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/#.VzuH-2M141g

http://www.studentminds.org.uk/ripple.html

Speaking to your GP can also help provide support in terms of diagnosis and treatment. 

Putting your health first: How leaving University aided my recovery

 Naomi tells us about how making the decision to leave University helped her recovery.

-Naomi Harding

This is the story of how I faced my demons and left University to give myself time for recovery. I hope that by telling my story, it will encourage anyone suffering in silence to make the first step in helping themselves. Being nice to yourself can be challenging but I’ve found that the more you try, the easier it gets.

My difficulties started near the end of my second year at university in London. I didn’t feel like my case was bad enough to qualify for counselling, I thought they would wonder why I was there. I thought I should be able to manage everything on my own, and certainly didn’t want to go dredging up a past I had successfully put behind me (or so I thought). Needless to say, I thought wrong. I needed the help very much. I sought help from my university counselling service, which was very supportive and helped me finish the year. It was a big step to overcome, but I really benefited from my first counselling experience.

Then it was summer, and although that had its own challenges, I assumed my mental health would be better by the beginning of third year. When I moved back into my flat in London for the start of term, I still wasn’t any better. I felt anxious on my own but afraid of talking to my friends. I isolated myself, even from my flatmates. Getting back into research for my dissertation was slow, and even when I could concentrate, it was hard to find the motivation or courage to go to the library to work with my classmates.

I ended up spending more and more time at home with my parents as they live just outside London. I gained a lot of strength from the support given by my family. My boyfriend at the time was always on the other end of the phone. He talked me through the scariest times when I was alone. I was reluctant to admit it, but I needed something to change. Eventually, I realised that I didn’t actually have to stay at university, (I wasn’t getting anywhere anyway!) and it was pointless trying to continue. My whole degree was going to be marked on this final year, so the pressure was high. Being so close to the finish line, I worried that taking time out would mean I was giving up, somehow confirming I was weak (that’s depression for you, not the truth!).

I had to face up to the truth that I couldn’t just knuckle down and smash out my final year, I was too unwell. I couldn’t see this at the time but I had to start caring for myself, put my health first and get the support I needed. Once I had made the decision to defer (with a lot of help from my nearest and dearest), a weight was instantly lifted from my shoulders. There were no negative implications for my previous grades or future study, and I was going to give myself some time to recover and regain control of my life. My course leader was fantastically supportive and understanding of my mental health difficulties, and she was with me along each step of the deferral process. Talking to the right people helped me feel confident in my decision and I felt sure deferring was the best thing for me.

Taking time out of university and moving back home to my parents hasn’t been an instant miracle cure, but I haven’t regretted my choice for a second. Living with my parents has been conducive to my recovery, the support and care I’ve received from my family has been immeasurable. Through a combination of countless visits to my GP, CBT therapist, a mindfulness course and daily home yoga practice, I have come a long way in 4 months. There is certainly no direct route to recovery, it’s a winding path, but I’m firmly on it now. I feel confident now that when I’m ready, I can take this opportunity to make a fresh start and look to finish my degree elsewhere. Allowing the time for my recovery has actually given me more time to learn about myself, and discover the infinite opportunities I could take.

So, if I could give any wise words of advice to others in a similar situation to me, it would be to not hurry your degree, put your health first, and take your time.

If you're struggling at University and considering deferring or leaving, there is academic support available. Speaking to your academic tutor, a Students Union representative, welfare tutor or a member of the University's support services can help give you the necessary support throughout the process.

Choosing Happiness

Helping yourself and choosing happiness isn't always easy, so here are some helpful tips to start you off

- Annonymous

Depression is a clinical disorder, there is no easy way to suddenly make it disappear overnight. However sometimes we may just feel a little depressed at any given time in our lives and there are many ways in which we can ‘choose happiness’. Here are just a few things that I’ve learnt on my journey.

One of my main problems has always been my self-esteem. It was always a new battle of feeling like I was ugly, stupid and worthless. There are two things I recommend that may help you with this.

Firstly, write down some things you like about yourself and stick them around your house (on your mirror, on the fridge and other places that you will see it frequently). If you are anything like 14 year old me your response to that will be “but there isn’t anything I like about myself”. Therefore what I did was ask my friends and family “What do you like about me” or “What do you think is my best trait” I then wrote down the wonderful things that they said and stuck them all around my mirror. The beautiful thing about this is that you not only hear wonderful things about yourself, but it also proves you aren’t worthless, because all those people love and care about you for who you are. Also, I don’t know about you but when somebody says ‘what do you like about yourself’ I instantly think of my appearance, whereas when you ask others they are more likely to comment on who you are as a person, and that is valuable.

Secondly, push yourself. Say yes more. This ones hard when you feel down but the more opportunities you take up, the happier you will be. When I went through a hard time I pushed myself to say yes to something and absolutely fell in love with musical theatre. I was in a pantomime, I made new friends, I had something to focus on and that made me so much happier.

Another one that is very difficult is to eliminate negative people from your life… or at least spend less time with them. This is one I had to learn the hard way. Unfortunately it’s very true that if you spend too much time with negative people, it rubs off on you. Sometimes you just have to accept that as much as you care about that person, they are not good for your mental health. Try to spend more time with people that make you happy.

I honestly believe that the way we think about things has a lot of power. This takes some work but try to be optimistic, try to see the best in the situation. I like to remember the quote “when one door closes, two doors open”. Try to believe that every cloud has a silver lining. For instance, if your plans with a friend falls through, instead of being upset about it and focusing on how disappointed you are take it as an opportunity to spend time with your family, or take some much needed you time. Obviously this cannot be applied to every situation, but if we spend less time being upset about things that aren’t all that bad, we have more energy for the things that are.

Something that has also helped me is writing. Every time I feel down, or something has happened I write about it, and my thoughts and feelings about it, and somehow that helps. If you prefer to talk than write, do that. Anything that gets those feelings off your chest is a great place to start in helping you to feel better.

I’m obsessed with positive affirmations. Katie Piper has a book called ‘Start your Day with Katie’ It has 365 positive affirmations, one for each day of the year. I like to keep this next to my bed and read one each morning, to start the day on a positive note.

I hope these tips are helpful.

For more information on finding support, click here.

The Power of Storytelling: Hannah G's Experience

Hannah Graham (@possiblyvintage), for the blog www.possiblyvintage.com shares her story

Hi I’m Hannah. I live in York with my husband and our cat Oscar. I started my Possibly Vintage blog as a creative outlet and somewhere to share my thoughts and opinions. I post about everything from fitness goals and healthy recipes, to product reviews and caring for your mental health. My little slice of the internet is dedicated to finding happiness in the mundane and enjoying the things we take for granted.

What inspired you to share your story?

When I first got ill I was a young teenager. Out of shame and embarrassment I tried to keep my illness a secret from my classmates and teachers, in fact, anyone who wasn’t a close friend. However, if you’ve experienced severe depression you’ll know that’s really not possible. I learnt the hard way that keeping things hidden isn’t possible and ultimately makes us feel worse about our issues. Since I came to that realisation, I’ve been as open and honest about everything as I can be.

Has telling your story helped you?

I don’t think that anyone but my family, closest friends and husband know the full story in all its detail, and there are some instances where I have completely blocked out all memories, but I believe sharing my experiences has helped me massively. Not only has it allowed me to understand what I have been through, but it also helps me work through ongoing issues and get my thoughts and feelings straight for myself.

Has telling your story helped anyone else?

I can’t say definitively. I would like to think so, in fact I hope so but I have no proof. It has made understanding my illness a lot easier for my husband and close friends – I guess that counts.

What did you find hardest about telling your story?

Nothing. What has happened has happened. I can’t change it and nor would I. It has made me who I am today. I tried hard to keep secrets but had them pried from me before being disowned and judged by everyone except my family and close friends. Since then I have been open about all my experiences when asked.

Do you have any advice to anyone thinking about sharing their story?

I think you’ll be surprised about how therapeutic sharing your story is, and you’ll realise that you’re not alone; there are a lot of people that have been through similar issues and are there to comfort and support you.

Should I tell my employers about my mental health issues?

I have experienced a lot of trepidation about disclosing my mental health issues to my employers and have kept it from them in the past. I have lived with depression for well over 10 years and have managed it very easily (give or take a few serious bouts) which has meant that I haven’t felt the need to notify my employers. Recently I have had a more serious lapse during which I have mentioned my issues to my employer who has been incredibly supportive. In short, I would say you may be surprised by their reaction.

Are you interested in getting involved in The Power of Story Telling Blog series? Please don’t hesitate to get in touch blog@studentminds.org

Depression Awareness Week: What you can do to help you

-Lottie Naughton and Grace Anderson

Students have spoken about what they have learnt about from their experiences of depression and what they have done to help themselves.

This week is Depression Awareness Week. Depression is a very real medical illness that impacts the brain and day to day functioning. Having depression can mean that everyday tasks some might consider simple can suddenly feel overwhelming and unreachable. Those with depression are more than simply 'feeling sad' and some symptoms are often misunderstood to be laziness, unwillingness and purposeful detachment from friends and loved ones. This is simply not the case. However, having depression is not a be-all-end-all diagnosis. There are lots of important lifestyle changes you can make that can really help make you feel comfortable, accept your illness and face each day with a confident and hopeful outlook. 

Of course, we understand that the suggestions we make here may not be the magic answer or cure! But giving each suggestion a try and working out what feels best for you might help you, so why not have a go?

Self Care 

Taking care of your well-being is important, but sometimes requires a lot of energy. If you're feeling low, think about how much you could achieve that day and plan a self care day around that. Here are some examples shared that may help you:

• Distracting myself by doing things I really enjoy 
• Taking up a new hobby
• Exercise when I can, sleep if I need it and a healthy diet 
• Switching off and watching a movie or a series
• Art therapy, colouring books, creative projects
• Playing with blue tac to distract myself 
• Listening to music 
• Having a long hot bath
• Painting my nails 
• Eating my favourtie dinner
• Taking a nap

Positive therapeutic tools

Sometimes it is worth investing some money or your time in an activity that can help to put your mind at ease and also help you stay focused on good things happening in your life. Here are some therapeutic suggestions:

• Writing down all the things I am grateful for in my life
• Keeping an up to date positive thought diary 
• Starting a blog about my experiences - sharing my good days and bad days with the world helps me understand my mental health and reflect on positive well being, rather than dwelling on the negative 
• Making a list of things I want to achieve helps me stay focused - ticking them off makes me feel great too! 
• Mindfulness

Acceptance and awareness

Coming to terms with having a mental illness can be hard, and whats harder is having bad days and not knowing how to respond to your symptoms. Here are some things that have worked for others facing the same challenge:

• Accepting that it is okay to be sad sometimes (allowing myself to know I'm feeling bad, stop fighting the feelings)
• Allowing myself to have fun and let go- not to feel guilty about being happy
• Avoiding spending time alone when I know it won't help me
• Working up the courage to go and see a doctor
• Realising that I am not alone
• Remembering it is an illness, and not my fault
• Accepting help when help is offered

Using support networks

Having friends and family around you that understand what you are going through is important; hey can be a lifeline to you when you feel at your lowest. Here is some advice from those that have taken advantage of friends and loved ones around them:

• Talking with others who also suffer or have previously suffered
• Opening up to friends and family - telling people how I was feeling
• Telling close friends that they make a difference to me and my well-being when they take the time to talk to me and include me
• Allowing myself to accept a shoulder to cry on when I need it, and not feeling ashamed of that

If you are struggling and finding it hard to come to terms with your illness, reach out and ask for help. You are not alone and there is a lot of support out there waiting for you. These tips are a starting point and will hopefully help you along your journey.


If you would like some more information about depression please visit here.