The Importance of Not Burning Yourself Out

Grace writes about how important it is to accept your good and bad days, and offers advice on how to stop from burning yourself out

-Grace Anderson

Despite often having very bad days, one of my biggest goals has been to not let other people realise this. People’s perceptions of me are something that I worry about often; do they like me? Will they think that I am weird? Am I boring? I really do care too much about what people think.

This has led to me appearing to be happy, confident and always ready for a good time. This could not be more wrong! Sitting in a lecture recently I was discussing being nervous about working with no one I knew and how I felt scared meeting them for the first time. My friend turned to me and said “REALLY?!?! You always seem so confident, I can’t imagine that” and then she paused and said “or you are just really good at appearing that way”.

This really made it feel real to me; I have put on a show for so long. Sometimes this does work in my favour; it allows me to appear externally to be a happy, friendly, confident, fun person. However, eventually this can often get too much leading me to burn out.

There is only so long you can pretend that everything is ok when it is not. As someone who has spent years keeping up this act it can be very hard. I am generally a happy, fun, loud, energetic person, but there are days when I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I question my existence and constantly worry about everything I have said and done.

I am slowly beginning to learn that this is a part of who I am and I think this worry will always be present and yes I will have bad days but you know what, this is ok. It is very hard for me to admit to myself that I am struggling, let alone to the people I know and love, but hopefully one day I will be able to be more honest with myself.

What I have learnt recently is that people understand and would rather I admitted I was having a bad day, instead of feeling the need to put on an act. I am realising in the long run this is also better for me as I can take it easy and have a few days to help myself, before I start burning out.

Here are a few things I am slowly learning are ok:

• It is ok to say no; you don’t have to attend every social event you are invited to, you don’t always have to do what others expect, if you aren’t up to going or don’t want to go then you don’t have to.
• A day in bed is okay; self-care is key, snuggling up with a cuppa and a movie or a good book is allowed, it does not make you lazy. We all need to recharge our batteries. 
• You don’t have to be happy 24/7; in fact I’ll let you into a secret no one really is. It’s completely normal to have bad days.

Summertime Sadness

Natasha writes about how hard the summer holidays can be when term time is over

-Natasha S. 

What happens after all the hard and gruelling work is over? Though I feel relief when all the coursework and exams are finished, I find that term time is the calm before the storm for my mental well being. I get stressed and, yes, I moan during the term, but I do enjoy the routine and hard work of university. When everything is done and completed, I find myself asking “what now?”. The sudden loss of ‘purpose’ takes its toll on me. 

Having to go back home to uncertainty seems to fill me with dread. The next logical step is to find work, however in a tiny town this isn't always an option. During the summer last year, I was lucky enough to get a job, but even then I felt those familiar negative feelings creeping on in. 

Personally, I find the summer holidays are very challenging. I almost seem to experience the reverse of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder)- instead of feeling low in the winter, for me it tends to be worse in the summer. I thought that perhaps I was alone in this respect, but I came across an article shared on Facebook by the Blurt Foundation (which can be found here). This article gave some tips and advice on how to try and deal with the impact of returning home for the holidays. 

Blurt Foundation's article on summer coping tips for students

Here are some of the suggestions that I felt most important to share: 

•Create a routine.

•Have quality you time (do something that involves treating yourself). 

•Have things to look forward to. 

•Keep in touch with others.

•Set goals and keep track of your progress towards them. 

•Vitamin D (get some sun. . . safely!). This could be natural light but having spoken to a GP he suggested that light boxes can be usual as well. 

•Seek support in your local area. 

I thought this article was really helpful. Though the advice is simple on the surface, I thought that having this guidance laid out was actually very beneficial, specifically, their advice that you should make lists and tick off achievements. Looking at their advice I was able to look closely at things I had achieved, as well as things I could work on to help me with my experiences of low mood and help me to adjust to being at home again. As a result, I have really tried to give myself purposeful goals and routine.

Prior to reading that article I had already secured a temporary job, but the article spurred me on to get involved in other things as well. Something for my own personal development rather than just for financial reasons. I have been able to get involved in a challenging, but rewarding volunteering opportunity, which may help me to gain good work experience, as well as help me to look more outwards and to the future, compared to just focusing on the present and inwards (rumination is something I struggle with). I am hoping that getting involved in work and volunteering will help me to stay engaged. Stumbling across the article really helped me to realise that I'm not alone in experiencing this "Summertime Sadness" (shout out to any Lana Del Rey fans), and that there are ways that I can try and support myself. 

Shoutout to any Lana Del Rey fans

In addition to the points made I personally feel that I make a lot of social comparisons. I feel that sometimes you simply need to accept that we can all afford different things and that people all have different opportunities open to them. I feel that rather than feeling bad that you cannot afford ‘X’ or do ‘X’, look at what you can do and make the most of opportunities open to you. Perhaps look into volunteering or ways to develop yourself in ways that are accessible to you (as well as enjoyable). Everybody is different but I do like to try and challenge myself in controlled ways, and maybe this advice will help you to do this too.

Want to find out more about Seasonal Affective Disorder? We had a twitter chat with SADA about tips for students experiencing SAD - take a look here.

The importance of accepting and supporting others through their mental health

In this blog post, Sophie talks about her experiences of recovering from anorexia and how that informed her about not only personal acceptance, but what it means to be understood by others. 

-Sophie Rees

Accepting that you have a mental illness is a hard thing to come to terms with. Not only are you faced with the habits and problems that your illness has caused, but you also face trying to be understood by others around you. Going through recovery is a long process of thought and emotions as you begin to regroup back into the world around you, and it can be difficult to try and fit back in at first.

When I was beginning my recovery stage from anorexia and started studying my A levels at sixth form, I began to feel slightly lost during my daily routine around school. The previous two years during my GCSE’s were my loneliest because of my eating disorder. I’d spend my shorter break times between lessons standing around a group of people who some of my classmates were friends with, and I wouldn’t say a word to anyone unless they spoke to me first. At lunchtimes I would more often or not spend the hour on my own to eat such small amounts of food, whilst my friends would leave school to go and get takeaway foods for lunch. I spaced myself out from the environment around me because I was scared my own friends would judge me for having an eating disorder. Two years later, I found out that this wasn’t the case at all. Turns out that not only my friends I sat next to in class were concerned and wanted to help me get through my eating disorder, but also the people in my year wanted to help too.

When I entered sixth form, I realised that in order for others to help me, I had to let them and also try to help myself out too. It may sound so simple, but even just being acknowledged and being asked how I was by people I didn’t normally talk to so much, made me feel much better about choosing to recover. Those people probably don’t even realise that they made a huge difference to my recovery stage, but they did, and so I am grateful for their kind words and accepting attitude towards my illness.

It’s always reassuring to know that there are people who won’t judge you for having a mental illness, so value them, and never forget to say thanks.

Distinguishing the self from depression: how the imagination can help restrictive mentality

Gareth writes about how he used his imagination to free himself of the mental restrictions that come with depression.

- Gareth

When I was growing up, I had an imaginary friend called Felix. He was a woodpecker, and would fly alongside the car on long journeys. I think he represented a part of me that wanted to be roaming free and zooming around rather than being cooped up in a hot car; I put an aspect of myself into this imaginary character. Recently I watched this video by Niall Breslin (He’s a big inspiration to me, which all kicked off from that video) where he does a similar thing with his anxiety, anthropomorphising it into ‘Jeffery’. I’m always keen to try new things to help with my depression, so I thought I’d give it a go too!

That’s how Marley, my depression monster, came to be. He’s named Marley after Scrooge’s partner in A Christmas Carol, or rather the muppet version; in the Marley Brothers’ song they are bound and tormented by heavy, restrictive chains, and that’s how I see my depression. Not as chains, really, but as a heavy duvet. It’s easy to sink into, and feels like a comfort at times, but really it weighs down all your thoughts and movements making everything a struggle. That’s how it is for me, so Marley the Duvet Monster was born.

I have found it really helpful to have the concept of Marley in my mind. On days where I’m trying to persuade myself to get out of bed (which is one of Marley’s main goals, as firstly, In bed I’m trapped with my thoughts and feelings, they spiral out of control and secondly, he’s a duvet). I find it much easier to say ‘that’s what Marley wants, don’t give in to him’ than saying ‘you want this because you’re feeling low today, try not to though yeah?’ Sometimes I’ll be functional but not completely ok, and I find it easier to think ‘Marley’s here but just sitting waiting in the corner, I’ll be fine if he stays there’ than ‘I thought I was feeling ok today but I can feel the depression creeping in’. In both cases, having the depression be represented by a third party, even an imaginary one, rather than just some part of myself makes fighting back feel easier. 

I’m always reminded of Spider Jerusalem in Transmetropolitan saying ‘I liked you better when you had a face I could hit’ to a friend of his who is now a cloud of nanobots, but for me it’s the other way round; giving the depression some kind of avatar, one that I can hit (metaphorically) rather than a shapeless cloud makes it easier to act against. In the video, Bressie’s Jeffrey has a phobia of water, so he threw him in the sea by signing up for swimming races, which is how I often try to see things too. Marley wants me to hide away in my room and not see my friends, so I’m going down to the beach with them because Marley will hate it. Marley thinks I’m not good enough for my PhD so I’m going to knock out the best thesis you’ve ever seen so he feels stupid for doubting me.

More than anything, differentiating between myself and Marley helps divide thoughts, feelings and actions up into the two camps of ‘what Marley wants’ and ‘what Gareth wants’. Depression is filled with shades of grey so organising that a little into more of a ‘black and white’ type picture helps me be myself and the stronger person I am.

For more information on finding support for issues like depression and anxiety, click here.
Visit Students Against Depression to learn more about student depression and where you can get support.

MHAW: My relationship with me

In aid of this year's Mental Health Awareness Week (16th-22nd May), Sophie writes about her experiences of Orthorexia and what that taught her about the relationship between mental health and the self.

-Sophie Cockeram 

When I found out that the theme for Mental Health Awareness Week 2016 was ‘relationships’, I felt that it was something that I couldn’t write about. My family and friends are incredibly supportive and I’ve never been in involved in anything abusive romantically. But then I started thinking about the relationship I have with myself, and how that relationship has caused me to suffer with my mental health and self-worth. I started struggling with depression at the age of about fifteen or sixteen, so this is something I am able to manage and monitor. However, in my second year of university, I experienced something other than that. And that ‘other’ was in the form of an extensive battle with disordered eating.

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when this began: I generally say that it started in May 2014, as I lost quite a lot of weight in a very short space of time by eating very little and over-exercising. Once I’d shed a few pounds, I had the bug- nothing was going to stop me getting the body of my dreams. Then, in the following September, a messy break up with my long-term boyfriend led to my self-worth and confidence plummeting. I started on the Protein World ‘Slender Blend’ meal replacement plan, which turned out to be the worst, and most dangerous, thing that I could’ve done. I developed Orthorexia, which fed into bulimia and binge eating.

The funny (or very unfunny) thing is, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing to myself. I thought that it was normal to come home from eating something ‘bad’ and do hundreds of exercises in my room to try and burn off the calories. I thought that having protein shakes was great, because protein’s what makes you lean, right?? Wrong. I was harming my body beyond belief, blinded by seeing the number on the scales drop, and basically starving myself. Despite thinking and worrying about food all the time, I was living off little more than 700 calories a day. It’s very difficult to explain exactly the way I was feeling to someone that’s been lucky enough not to experience an eating disorder. I was utterly fixated by everything I was consuming, constantlyresearching ways to lose weight faster, foreverstaring at my body in the mirror and despising every little thing that I saw. There were no good bits, there was no ‘oh, my arms look alright today’, there was nothing. Nothing but this shroud of negativity, so powerful that it was pushing both my brain and body to their breaking point.

Nearly two years have passed since the beginnings of my eating disorders, and it’s still something that I struggle with. I’m a million times better than I used to be, but in extremely stressful situations, I find that it’s very easy to slip back into my old habits, as food sometimes feels like the only thing I have control over. I urge anyone that has even the slightest feeling they may have a problem with their relationship towards food or their body image to seek some help. Tell a friend, family member, support officer at school or university. I think that there is a common misconception with eating disorders, in that we often picture someone that has an almost skeletal figure. I did not look like that (in fact, I got quite a lot of compliments from people telling me how great I looked for losing weight!), but that doesn’t mean that I was in any way healthy. Admitting that I had/have a problem and talking about it with other people (or writing it all down on my blog) has helped me a huge deal.

‘The most important relationship that you’ll ever have is with yourself’ is something that’s said a lot, but is far too easily forgotten. Treat yourself nicely, respect yourself and give yourself the love that you’d give everyone else you care about. You are what matters, and your relationship with your body should be happy and healthy.

MHAW: Relationships in Mental Health – The Relationship With Yourself

Leah writes about how sometimes the most important relationship you can have is the one with yourself

-Leah Fuller

The focus of this week’s Mental Health Awareness Week is relationships, and I know that other blog posts have already touched upon friendships as a great support network if you are struggling with mental health issues. Personally, I wanted to touch on a relationship that many of us forget we have – the one with ourselves. 

Mental health issues can be a very isolating experience, especially when we think we are fighting it alone or that no-one else understands how we feel. Other relationships in our lives, be that with parents, partners, friends, or teachers are unquestionably important. However, having a relationship with yourself is undeniably even more significant throughout life. If we cannot start to believe in ourselves, like ourselves, or care for ourselves, the battle to recovery feels even more of an uphill climb. 

So, with that in mind, here are three things I personally believe you can do to improve both your relationship with yourself and your mental health:

Believe in yourself

Struggling with my own mental health, I have often thought ‘I can't do this’, ‘I'm a failure’, or ‘I'm not good enough’, as I’m sure many people can relate to. But the more we say these negative phrases the more we believe they are true. In reality, and you’ll have to trust me here, they are 100% NOT true for anyone. Believing in yourself is no easy feat, but one way to start is to tackle those thoughts by changing them to positives such as ‘I can’ and ‘I will’. The more you say them, the more you will start to believe in yourself. 

Take care of yourself

Again this is no easy task, sometimes when we’re feeling rubbish all we want to do is curl up in our duvet and hide away, but in doing this we forget to look after ourselves. It is so important to make sure you take time to eat properly, get a good amount of sleep, and do some exercise - as the saying goes healthy body, healthy mind. The best way I have found to make sure I do this is to plan my day with a to-do list including these tasks, and ticking each one as I go. This helps to acknowledge that you have both achieved things in the day and are looking after yourself. Once you’re into a routine, it’s much easier to take care of yourself. 

Make time for yourself

All too often we are too busy working towards the next deadline to make time for ourselves, to do the things we like, that bring us happiness and help us to relax. To improve your relationship with your mind, make sure you take time out, whether that’s to read a book, watch your favourite TV show, or just walk round the block. Getting some head space can really improve your outlook and do wonders for your mental health. 

Try hard this week to build a better relationship with yourself. I know it may seem a huge and hard step to take, especially if you feel you're at the bottom, but even if you take it in baby steps it will help you to be and feel happier.

Making the Right Choice For You

Abbie talks about how it is ok not to follow the normal path, and the importance of getting help and taking the time to decide what's right for you.

- Abbie Mitchell

I've had mental health problems from the age of 13/14, but I was formally diagnosed after my breakdown at the age of 19. This happened shortly after I first attempted to go to university.

I was all set to move to a reputable, fun seaside town and embrace the wild and awakening student life that I'd seen so many embark on the year before me. I had travelled for a couple of months, the year before, on a shoe-string in attempt to 'free myself' from depression I never quite understood.

I came back and had uni lined up so that I'd "have something to focus on, to help shape my future", as advised by family. It was supposed to be some sort of direction.

People would respond in excitement when I told them I was moving away for university. "Uni - Oh, those will be the best days of your life!" they'd exclaim with joy.

I then went off and tried to settle into my new dorm. A friendly bunch of housemates, we all bonded fairly quickly. But as Freshers week loomed, and it was 'house party galore', I found myself feeling like it was a big effort to be seen as being fun and social. Getting involved felt like a lot of pressure. I didn't see the big deal and I just wanted to be alone.

Quite the socialite in my previous hometown, I didn't expect these new feelings. To my surprise I found myself increasingly anxious and began avoiding nights out, which is what I'd been told was 'essential' in making friends when you move away for university. I kept to myself, cooped up in my new little bedroom for as long as possible, 'away from it all,' until the breakdown warning signs began.

I couldn't eat as I'd lost my appetite. I'd be crying uncontrollably, pleading for help silently, with a knot in my stomach. I was continuously feeling sick, mentally and physically. When I couldn't get off of the bedroom floor, at my lowest point, is when I finally realised I needed help.

Eventually, I got in touch with my home friends and family and they encouraged me to come back and visit my GP.

I’d accepted that I wasn't well mentally when I had thoughts and engaged in self-destructive behaviours. Then came an admission as an inpatient at a mental health hospital. Therapy and medication followed along with a diagnosis of "Anxiety and Depression". It was a bit of a relief to find out more about this as I'd felt so isolated not knowing and just struggling with my mental health.

A simple conversation with a psychiatrist when I was in hospital was what helped me to figure out what I really wanted to do, instead of just going to uni for the sake of it. "Who are you? What makes you, you?" He asked. I thought he was being silly and sarcastic but the truth was that I had felt lost for a long time. The question made me think. I realised I'd gone to university simply because it was something everyone else did, not because it was something I wanted to study or do. The time was not right for me.

I managed to volunteer during my recovery and landed a paid role that led me to have confidence in the field I wanted to be in. A year later, I moved back to the city (where I was born and raised) and made a second go at a different university. I enrolled on a course that was more suited to my interests and not just for the sake of 'having something to do/to get direction'. Just because others may know what they want to do and it's a move that many make straight from A-levels doesn't mean it will be the right path for everyone. The sooner I accepted this the better. I can now reflect on my journey and recognise my own courage, rather than compare where I'm at to people who transitioned more smoothly.

In more familiar territory and with less of an emphasis on 'having to go out all the time and live life to the fullest', the second time round was a success for me. It was the right time and I felt more ready. I still struggled with anxiety but it was manageable. I completed my course and I'm now working in a field where I belong.

Everyone's experiences are unique and it's important that they find a route that's right for them. I may have taken the long way around, perhaps for me a wrong turn, but I built up some essential resilience a long the way.