Tsunamis and Theme Parks

Pippa talks about her experience of mental illness and the inherent challenges of communicating these experiences to others. 

-Pippa Woods 

It’s not just in my mind. They say it’s all in my mind. It’s not. It has physical implications. When it hits, it feels overwhelming. But it’s not just a feeling. It’s like a wave knocking me down. Except it’s a tsunami, not a lovely little wave you can jump over. It knocks me down and far, and when I surface, nothing looks like it did before. Okay, I’ll admit all I really know about tsunamis comes from the film ‘The Impossible’ (which is great but such a tear-jerker). But this is how it feels when my brain lets me down.

I say let me down because that is how I see it. Some people say I need to just get on with it and it’s all in my mind, others say it is a completely physical thing that you can blame on an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, I’m not sure what’s actually going on. But I do know that it feels like my brain isn’t really part of me when I feel like this. “Feel like what?” I hear you ask. If I could describe it, I would probably have the right treatment, help thousands across the country and have successfully achieved a research breakthrough. I guess you only really know if you’ve experienced something similar.

The trouble with mental illness is that we only know what it’s like to be in our own brain, to experience things from our perspective. This makes it inherently challenging to describe to others how it feels. It’s not like a broken arm, where you can say, “my arm hurts lots” and people understand, because once their arm hurt too. With mental illness they don’t usually want to understand. And even if they want to, they find it really hard to.

The tsunami example is the best analogy I can think of so far for how it feels to me when I’m going down. When it’s really bad, I get washed away. Taken from everyone I love, everything I enjoy and all that I usually find easy. I’m isolated, despite the attempts of others to reassure and support me. I’m far from them, hit by the great wave and pushed miles away. Not physically, but mentally. All my hobbies have ended up surfacing near my family and friends, ages away from me. And I’m not strong enough to swim through the water to reach them. When I try, a secondary wave hits. Everything is destroyed over again, we’re pushed further away. I haven’t yet learned how to find this strength to swim through the debris-full water to reach them, my friends, my family, my life. I’ll be sure to let you know when I do.

For me, mental health is like a theme park. A theme park where my brain is in charge of me. It determines which rides I go on, and when I do so. I’m constantly fighting to take back control of my theme park visit, but my brain has a hold on me and drags me around. I’m blindfolded. I don’t know what’s coming next, maybe the teacups, maybe the world’s highest rollercoaster. It is this, which creates my constant exhaustion. It’s not surprising when you think of it like this, anyone would be exhausted if they had to spend every waking moment, worrying about where they were being taken, how scary the ride might be, how long it might last, if you would get a break after it or straight onto the next. This is how it feels to be in my brain. This is how it feels to be me.

Now of course it seems this is all in my mind, all happening in my brain. Of course it is, my legs work perfectly fine, I don’t have diabetes or cancer. But it’s not only in my mind. Physically I may appear ok, but I’m not ok. I’m exhausted. My appetite isn’t predictable. Sometimes I shake uncontrollably. I get headaches and my muscles tense up. But I don’t have a physical illness, just a mental one.

That’s where the problem lies, ‘just’ a mental one. This isn’t the case. Rarely is an illness ‘just’ anything. If you get diagnosed with a physical illness, cancer for example, it isn’t ‘just’ a physical issue. It affects you, and those around you, both physically AND mentally. The same is true of mental illnesses; they affect those diagnosed, and those around them, both mentally AND physically. The sooner we realise this, and treat accordingly the better.

Not sure how to speak to a friend about their mental health? Take a look at our Look After Your Mate guide for some useful tips to get conversations started.

The importance of accepting and supporting others through their mental health

In this blog post, Sophie talks about her experiences of recovering from anorexia and how that informed her about not only personal acceptance, but what it means to be understood by others. 

-Sophie Rees

Accepting that you have a mental illness is a hard thing to come to terms with. Not only are you faced with the habits and problems that your illness has caused, but you also face trying to be understood by others around you. Going through recovery is a long process of thought and emotions as you begin to regroup back into the world around you, and it can be difficult to try and fit back in at first.

When I was beginning my recovery stage from anorexia and started studying my A levels at sixth form, I began to feel slightly lost during my daily routine around school. The previous two years during my GCSE’s were my loneliest because of my eating disorder. I’d spend my shorter break times between lessons standing around a group of people who some of my classmates were friends with, and I wouldn’t say a word to anyone unless they spoke to me first. At lunchtimes I would more often or not spend the hour on my own to eat such small amounts of food, whilst my friends would leave school to go and get takeaway foods for lunch. I spaced myself out from the environment around me because I was scared my own friends would judge me for having an eating disorder. Two years later, I found out that this wasn’t the case at all. Turns out that not only my friends I sat next to in class were concerned and wanted to help me get through my eating disorder, but also the people in my year wanted to help too.

When I entered sixth form, I realised that in order for others to help me, I had to let them and also try to help myself out too. It may sound so simple, but even just being acknowledged and being asked how I was by people I didn’t normally talk to so much, made me feel much better about choosing to recover. Those people probably don’t even realise that they made a huge difference to my recovery stage, but they did, and so I am grateful for their kind words and accepting attitude towards my illness.

It’s always reassuring to know that there are people who won’t judge you for having a mental illness, so value them, and never forget to say thanks.

Running from your diagnosis: My experience of Borderline Personality Disorder

Grace tells us about her experience of being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), the stigma attached to the disorder, and what that meant in terms of getting support.

-Grace Moody 

I was just thirteen years old when I would say I had my first experience with mental health problems. Many people passed it off as an ‘emo phase’ but I would frequently self-harm and I would often feel empty and worthless and I would often have suicidal thoughts. For a lot of the time though, I was confident and an extrovert and would often be the leader of whatever group I was in. Looking back on this, it was probably why no one really took my mental health seriously until I was in sixth form.

Throughout sixth form I had a serious boyfriend who provided me with all the attention and loving that I craved and my mental health did get a bit better. He got very good at knowing how to help me when I was overreacting about something and he was very laid back which helped to reduce my impulsivity. Unfortunately, he went to university a year before me and we were suddenly in a long distance relationship. My paranoia went through the roof and I’m not proud to say that I became so desperate to keep him that my behaviour was appalling. He realised this and urged me to go to see a doctor and at his request, I did.

At this point I had already applied to be a social work student at University of Bath. When I had applied and also when I was interviewed, I was asked to declare any mental health problems. I didn’t declare any issues because I was frightened that this would mean that I wouldn’t be able to start the course. For this reason, even though my G.P. urged me to take antidepressants and to go to cognitive behavioural therapy, I declined.

Before starting my course I had never even heard of borderline personality disorder which is what I am told is my diagnosis. In my first year my lecturer discussed the signs of it and some of the reasons and I was in shock. Looking at it in bullet point form on the white board made me go quiet. I wanted to ask her at the end how serious it was but as she said things like “lying is quite common for people with BPD” and “They’re often very needy service users and don’t be surprised if they try to manipulate you”, once again I decided to stay silent.

I started going to the doctor for anti-depressants but refused to get any therapy. My group of friends were very supportive and a number of them had problems with depression or anxiety themselves. I never told them my worries around the fact that I had them.

I was obsessed with googling borderline personality disorder then. I would look at the signs of it and check them off in my head. Intense fear of being left alone that causes extreme behaviour such as constantly calling someone? Check. A pattern of intense and/or unstable relationships where you change between loving the person and hating them? Definitely check. Engaging in impulsive and dangerous activities such as unsafe sex, drug abuse, excessive drinking or excessive spending? Check. Self-harming, mood swings, anxiety and irritability, paranoia in stressful situations – All were checked off.

Throughout my course I was in various placements where again I experienced more prejudice against people with borderline personality disorder which made me even more determined to keep it to myself. I’d open up about my depression a little more but I felt that the other parts of my diagnosis were shameful. I became slightly like a self-fulfilling prophecy; every time I told a small lie or manipulated someone I would be torn between thinking ‘oh well it’s just my diagnosis’ to excuse it and also feeling disgusted with myself that I was such a horrendous person.

My relationships were also horrendous. After I had broken up with my sixth form boyfriend, I dated a huge amount of people and all of these relationships were short lived and many of them involved me being treated pretty badly. Although I was not in the wrong in the vast majority of these relationships, I still felt desperate for any of them to love me. I was convinced that the reason they could not love me was because of my mental health issues.

It was one of these men that caused my breakdown in my third year of university. My mental health had been pretty bad for months before this happened and my housemates were having to calm me down pretty frequently but when yet another guy told me I wasn’t what he wanted, I broke down.

I was at my placement in mental health services when he called me to tell me he didn’t want to see me again and that I wasn’t girlfriend material. It was everything that my internal voice told me but it was being said out loud and I started to cry and then couldn’t stop. I left placement, went back to my student house and took a cocktail of anti-depressants and any paracetamol or ibuprofen that I happened to have in my room. Washing it down with red wine I’m not really sure what was going through my head. My housemate said when he found me that I didn’t look depressed, I looked manic. I ran from the house to stop him calling an ambulance but instead he called the police. When I eventually came home the police had to calm me down and persuade me to go with the ambulance to the hospital.

It was after this escapade that I realised I couldn’t avoid mental health services any longer. The psychiatric nurse said as soon as we’d finished our assessment that he felt there was a possibility of borderline personality disorder – something which was confirmed by other professionals. I didn’t react when he told me because it was exactly what I expected. I was just sad that it was true.

I’m still coming to terms with having my diagnosis but I’m not letting it control my life. I’m doing my research so that I know what I want and can make informed decisions about my care. I’m hoping to go back to university in January and I strongly believe that my experiences will allow me to talk to service users suffering with mental health issues (and personality disorders in particular) in a way that challenges the stigma and shows them that they don’t need to be afraid of what they have. Nothing has changed for the negative since finding out what’s wrong with me. In fact, I feel relief that I know now and that I am getting the support that I need.

For more of Grace's work, you can view her Buzzfeed Community article here at: https://www.buzzfeed.com/gracel24/sheridan-smith-is-more-of-a-role-model-now-than-be-jmjk

MHAW: Depression and Me- The art of living with Depression

As part of Mental Health Awareness Week, Catherine talks about her experience in living with depression and anxiety.

-Catherine North

I’m Catherine and I’m 22 years old. I study business management at Plymouth University although I’m currently on placement at my wonderful student union.

I’ll start by giving the reality of depression:

Depression makes you feel worthless. Not worthy of your own company, your friends company, anyone’s time. It makes everything a chore: from making a cup of tea to showering. For years, I found myself struggling to get out of bed and to do anything that took even the smallest part of energy. I found the only thing that kept me alive was being distracted from my own mental battles in social situations. I couldn’t be alone as I scared myself so much. I knew what I was capable of and ended up in hospital when I found everything too much. I would be there for countless other people’s problems and would bend over backwards to ensure everyone else’s happiness was in priority over my own, because in my head, I saw happiness for me as something completely unachievable and I wanted no one else to even suffer a glimpse of what went on in my head. I had been back and forth to doctors, to clinics, been offered pills,

therapy, you name it and I refused all of it because mentally I saw it as giving in, as being a failure and as another thing to add to the long list of reasons not to be alive.

The internet is probably my biggest help source when dealing with my depression and anxiety. I felt for so long like it was just me and my doctor who knew what I was dealing with but once I started to accept that I couldn’t just keep pushing these issues away, I discovered a whole new world of people sharing their experiences of mental health. I would search hashtags on twitter and read blogging websites where a simple four line poem would make more sense to me than anything I’d ever read.

So when I was asked to write this, I couldn’t really say no.

I’ve struggled with mental health issues from a young age, so I guess I went into university thinking I’d push past it, just like I did with every other educational aspect. I could get good grades for some work while managing to scrape a pass in others due to my inability to function 90% of the time. Although still convinced I wouldn’t be alive when I was 24, I still wanted to fight.

I think the worst part for me has been understanding how I could feel so low even when I knew there were no major problems in my life. I had friends, I had family, I went to a good school etc. I think those moments when you are sat there wanting to kill yourself, yet you’re sat in the sun in your garden laughing with your friends made me so confused about who I really was. I could be two people at once and I was convinced I knew which one would win eventually. My relationships with people could be perfect and I still felt uncomfortable and dissatisfied to the point where I have been in bed with someone I love and actually been known to literally run a mile away (they were quite fast and managed to keep up luckily).  

Being exhausted is normality and the coping mechanisms I’d used when I was 12 were the only way I knew how to behave when I left home at 18. I struggled being away from the people I loved massively, I would only leave the house to get drunk (or for pizza but only pizza). I either found myself numb, hurting everyone or caring too much and then making myself distraught when I felt it wasn’t reciprocated. A Levels, being a teenager, friends, boys, a difficult home life and my own brain telling me what I felt was normal meant I never sat back to examine myself . I just ran at everything at 100mph until I realised when I got to Plymouth that this wasn’t possible unless I wanted to lose my dreams that I did genuinely care about.

University made me realise how important is was for me to put my mental health before anything else. Due to the pressure of exams and deadlines, I found myself reaching breaking point more often than I had previously, which led me to realise that I couldn’t just scrape through like when I was younger. I struggle with any relationship; if it’s romantic, I will constantly imagine them abandoning me. Thoughts such as “they don’t really like you they are just using you” are constantly at the forefront. With friendships I find that as soon as I feel comfortable to be more outspoken, people retract. I push people away, push them to their limit and it’s almost like I think you can’t hurt me more than I’ve hurt myself.

The relationship that saved me was actually my tutor. I emailed him asking him to see him and I found myself opening up about almost everything to him. He made it clear to me how important it was I saw someone or I would lose everything I was aiming for. I’m great at convincing myself I’m fine and ten minutes later I’ll have had an awful breakdown. I’m still like it now but taking his advice and trying what works for me, has meant I’ve become more self-aware and able to stop my brain before spiralling too far down a trail of despair. I can’t always get out of it, I’m still learning to notice when I do it, or to calm my nerves and focus on what’s in front of me than the tiny slip up I just made that no one else noticed but my brain has decided that from now on everyone who noticed hates me and will no longer talk to me (I’d be lying if I said I still don’t do this daily, but just not as much).

It sounds crazily selfish to me still, but I realised that if I was to achieve what I thought I could, I had to give myself a break and be selfish. To know when I needed space, to listen to myself and to put myself at the forefront of everything I did. I was constantly trying to make others happy because the last thing I wanted was for anyone to feel as horrendous as I did.

Choosing to tell my tutor and my current employer means I know that if I need space, am having a bad day or I end up in a bad state, I have the support there if I choose to use it (and it is a big decision still). I get embarrassed, I feel silly and I feel like someone is opening up a deep wound when I call for help but I actually found more people understood and could help than I realised.

There is no answer to fixing your mental health and there is no timing on the recovery, but the more open we are about it then hopefully it will encourage others to share their experiences and get the help they need to achieve what they know deep down they are capable of. I’m nowhere near where I need to be to feel the clear head I do occasionally and I can make cups of tea on autopilot, but I feel like now it is within reach.

I now look upon my experiences as that maybe I wasn’t mentally strong enough to deal with them then, but they have taught me how to be strong. I didn’t give up, and now I wake up feeling like I have energy and ways to channel it into improving things and becoming ever more productive.

Catherine uses websites such as http://medium.com and http://thoughtcatalog.com for online support as well as other self-care methods such as writing a thought down per day. If you suffer from depression and anxiety or know someone who does, the following websites can provide useful information and resources:

http://blurtitout.org

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/introduction.aspx

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/d/depression

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/#.VzuH-2M141g

http://www.studentminds.org.uk/ripple.html

Speaking to your GP can also help provide support in terms of diagnosis and treatment. 

MHAW: The Power of Friendship

Friendship is an important part of life; Grace and Lottie write about the reasons why friendship is particularly powerful as part of Mental Health Awareness Week

-Grace and Lottie

This week marks Mental Health Awareness Week. It is estimated that 1 in 4 people in England will experience a mental health problem in any given year, which is why it is so important to recognise your own symptoms and those symptoms in those closest to you.  In terms of the student population 92% of students have identified themselves as developing feelings of mental distress (NUS, 2013). This means that at times most of us will need support and a good friend can make the world of difference to many obstacles in life that we all share. Most importantly, when one is beginning to really struggle, a friend can make such a difference. 

Students are most likely to speak to friends when they are experiencing difficulties (Student Minds, 2011). Unfortunately, often people are worried about sharing their mental health problems with friends. There are several reasons for this, including stigma, the fear of being judged, finding the confidence, and the worry of being seen as weak being cited in research. Despite this, students often claim that they want nothing more than to keep in touch with friends and loved ones and be accepted for who they are.  

From a friend’s perspective, it may be hard to approach a friend that appears to be struggling, with students often not knowing what to say, when to say it and how to say it. This often leads to peers saying nothing at all despite wanting to be there for their friends. This highlights that we need to learn how to speak about mental health problems and the fact that starting up a conversation and putting out your hand for a friend regardless of if you know what to say can make all the difference.

People can be very good at hiding their difficulties and shockingly research also found that 1 in 4 people only discovered their friend was having problems when they were eventually admitted to hospital. Perhaps most distressing, was the fact that 1 in 20 were only aware of any problems when their friend had attempted to take their own life. These statistics are harrowing and open up the gateways for the importance of campaigning for and generally being positive and outspoken about the importance of open discussion of mental health and its implications for relationships and support networks. 

Also, understanding that just because you or a friend has a mental health problem or is going through difficulties does not mean that your friendship has to revolve around this, it does not need to be spoken about 24/7 – you can still be silly and do the fun stuff you used to do together. This will help you or your friend more than you think – so go on a relaxing walk, have a sleepover, plan a movie night, cook dinner together, have a cuppa tea – the little things really do make a difference. Perhaps you might find that your friend isn’t up for interactive activities. Ask what they might want at that time, send them a thoughtful text, write them a card or buy them a little gift. Let them know that you are there in times when they don’t feel like talking, and when they do.

Noticing that a friend is in need may be tricky, and even trickier may be attempting to talk to them about it in a supportive, non-patronising and caring manner. As well as this, being able to tell a friend about an issue can be stressful, frightening and may not seem worth it. However, it is important to remember that whichever side of the coin you’re on, it will always be worth it. A friend is one of the best things you can be and one of the most amazing things you can have. Reach out to a friend today and help make a positive change to both of your lives. 

The Power of Storytelling: Amy's story

Amy writes about her experience of Dermatillomania for the Student Minds "Power of Storytelling" Campaign

-Amy Walker

 Hello, I’m Amy Walker from Under the Surface. I am an 18 year old blogger in Scotland that currently blogs in her spare time. My blog posts are based on things I am passionate about such as my personal experiences and opinions. I also blog regularly about mental health.

What has inspired you to share your story?

When I discovered that my mental health problem had a name and diagnosis rather than it being a bad habit, I took great comfort in reading about others who have Dermatillomania. I would search it on twitter and read blog posts about it. I started blogging shortly after and was asked to write a piece for Stigma Fighters Teen. Writing for them made me realise that not only were there other people who suffered from mental health issues, but they were also incredibly passionate about helping to reduce the stigma surrounding mental health. The sense that there was a real community of people on the Internet and on social media, who were collectively working together to reduce the stigma around mental health, was something that I really wanted to be involved in.

Has telling your story helped you?

Each time I tell my story through blog posts on various sites, I feel refreshed. It is a little reminder that, again, it is not a bad habit but something much stronger that I am trying to fight. These little reminders are important, especially in situations where I tend to question myself and ask myself why I do certain things. Writing about mental health issues has allowed me to combine my passion for writing and my avid interest in mental health. This has not only helped me, but also has allowed me to do something that I enjoy and makes me happy.

Has telling your story helped anyone else?

I really hope so! I can’t say for sure because Dermatillomania is not well known about and a lot of people suffer without knowing they have it. However, I feel that I am achieving my main aim, which is to raise awareness about many different mental health conditions.

What did you find hardest about sharing your story?

It is the hurdle I have still not jumped which is sharing it with people I know. I am only close to a few people in my personal life who are aware I have Dermatillomania. However, they don’t know that I write about it. Those that are not close to me have no idea about either. I have planned to share my blog soon, but I want to get into a routine and build more of a community first.

Do you have advice for someone who is thinking of sharing their story?

If you are nervous then you can test the waters by Guest Posting on other sites, which gives you the opportunity to distance your story from your personal social media/site. You can also remain anonymous until you have received some feedback and are more confident with your decision to share your story.

Do you have any useful information on your mental health condition?

Dermatillomania is one of many body focused repetitive behaviour conditions. The condition involves repeatedly picking at areas of the body. Personally, I pick at skin on my scalp on a daily basis. I also occasionally pick at my face and lips. Although the condition is something that I do to myself physically, it is to do with what is going on in my mind. Dermatillomania is often linked to other mental health conditions such as OCD and anxiety.

For those who suffer with conditions such as Dermatillomania, information and helpful advice can be found on the following websites:

http://www.skinpick.com/dermatillomania

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/dermatillomania/Pages/Introduction.aspx

http://www.bandbacktogether.com/dermatillomania-resources/

Booking an appointment with your GP can also provide support in terms of diagnosis and treatment. 

Are you interested in getting involved in The Power of Story Telling Blog series? Please don’t hesitate to get in touch blog@studentminds.org