Tsunamis and Theme Parks

Pippa talks about her experience of mental illness and the inherent challenges of communicating these experiences to others. 

-Pippa Woods 

It’s not just in my mind. They say it’s all in my mind. It’s not. It has physical implications. When it hits, it feels overwhelming. But it’s not just a feeling. It’s like a wave knocking me down. Except it’s a tsunami, not a lovely little wave you can jump over. It knocks me down and far, and when I surface, nothing looks like it did before. Okay, I’ll admit all I really know about tsunamis comes from the film ‘The Impossible’ (which is great but such a tear-jerker). But this is how it feels when my brain lets me down.

I say let me down because that is how I see it. Some people say I need to just get on with it and it’s all in my mind, others say it is a completely physical thing that you can blame on an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, I’m not sure what’s actually going on. But I do know that it feels like my brain isn’t really part of me when I feel like this. “Feel like what?” I hear you ask. If I could describe it, I would probably have the right treatment, help thousands across the country and have successfully achieved a research breakthrough. I guess you only really know if you’ve experienced something similar.

The trouble with mental illness is that we only know what it’s like to be in our own brain, to experience things from our perspective. This makes it inherently challenging to describe to others how it feels. It’s not like a broken arm, where you can say, “my arm hurts lots” and people understand, because once their arm hurt too. With mental illness they don’t usually want to understand. And even if they want to, they find it really hard to.

The tsunami example is the best analogy I can think of so far for how it feels to me when I’m going down. When it’s really bad, I get washed away. Taken from everyone I love, everything I enjoy and all that I usually find easy. I’m isolated, despite the attempts of others to reassure and support me. I’m far from them, hit by the great wave and pushed miles away. Not physically, but mentally. All my hobbies have ended up surfacing near my family and friends, ages away from me. And I’m not strong enough to swim through the water to reach them. When I try, a secondary wave hits. Everything is destroyed over again, we’re pushed further away. I haven’t yet learned how to find this strength to swim through the debris-full water to reach them, my friends, my family, my life. I’ll be sure to let you know when I do.

For me, mental health is like a theme park. A theme park where my brain is in charge of me. It determines which rides I go on, and when I do so. I’m constantly fighting to take back control of my theme park visit, but my brain has a hold on me and drags me around. I’m blindfolded. I don’t know what’s coming next, maybe the teacups, maybe the world’s highest rollercoaster. It is this, which creates my constant exhaustion. It’s not surprising when you think of it like this, anyone would be exhausted if they had to spend every waking moment, worrying about where they were being taken, how scary the ride might be, how long it might last, if you would get a break after it or straight onto the next. This is how it feels to be in my brain. This is how it feels to be me.

Now of course it seems this is all in my mind, all happening in my brain. Of course it is, my legs work perfectly fine, I don’t have diabetes or cancer. But it’s not only in my mind. Physically I may appear ok, but I’m not ok. I’m exhausted. My appetite isn’t predictable. Sometimes I shake uncontrollably. I get headaches and my muscles tense up. But I don’t have a physical illness, just a mental one.

That’s where the problem lies, ‘just’ a mental one. This isn’t the case. Rarely is an illness ‘just’ anything. If you get diagnosed with a physical illness, cancer for example, it isn’t ‘just’ a physical issue. It affects you, and those around you, both physically AND mentally. The same is true of mental illnesses; they affect those diagnosed, and those around them, both mentally AND physically. The sooner we realise this, and treat accordingly the better.

Not sure how to speak to a friend about their mental health? Take a look at our Look After Your Mate guide for some useful tips to get conversations started.

Running from your diagnosis: My experience of Borderline Personality Disorder

Grace tells us about her experience of being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), the stigma attached to the disorder, and what that meant in terms of getting support.

-Grace Moody 

I was just thirteen years old when I would say I had my first experience with mental health problems. Many people passed it off as an ‘emo phase’ but I would frequently self-harm and I would often feel empty and worthless and I would often have suicidal thoughts. For a lot of the time though, I was confident and an extrovert and would often be the leader of whatever group I was in. Looking back on this, it was probably why no one really took my mental health seriously until I was in sixth form.

Throughout sixth form I had a serious boyfriend who provided me with all the attention and loving that I craved and my mental health did get a bit better. He got very good at knowing how to help me when I was overreacting about something and he was very laid back which helped to reduce my impulsivity. Unfortunately, he went to university a year before me and we were suddenly in a long distance relationship. My paranoia went through the roof and I’m not proud to say that I became so desperate to keep him that my behaviour was appalling. He realised this and urged me to go to see a doctor and at his request, I did.

At this point I had already applied to be a social work student at University of Bath. When I had applied and also when I was interviewed, I was asked to declare any mental health problems. I didn’t declare any issues because I was frightened that this would mean that I wouldn’t be able to start the course. For this reason, even though my G.P. urged me to take antidepressants and to go to cognitive behavioural therapy, I declined.

Before starting my course I had never even heard of borderline personality disorder which is what I am told is my diagnosis. In my first year my lecturer discussed the signs of it and some of the reasons and I was in shock. Looking at it in bullet point form on the white board made me go quiet. I wanted to ask her at the end how serious it was but as she said things like “lying is quite common for people with BPD” and “They’re often very needy service users and don’t be surprised if they try to manipulate you”, once again I decided to stay silent.

I started going to the doctor for anti-depressants but refused to get any therapy. My group of friends were very supportive and a number of them had problems with depression or anxiety themselves. I never told them my worries around the fact that I had them.

I was obsessed with googling borderline personality disorder then. I would look at the signs of it and check them off in my head. Intense fear of being left alone that causes extreme behaviour such as constantly calling someone? Check. A pattern of intense and/or unstable relationships where you change between loving the person and hating them? Definitely check. Engaging in impulsive and dangerous activities such as unsafe sex, drug abuse, excessive drinking or excessive spending? Check. Self-harming, mood swings, anxiety and irritability, paranoia in stressful situations – All were checked off.

Throughout my course I was in various placements where again I experienced more prejudice against people with borderline personality disorder which made me even more determined to keep it to myself. I’d open up about my depression a little more but I felt that the other parts of my diagnosis were shameful. I became slightly like a self-fulfilling prophecy; every time I told a small lie or manipulated someone I would be torn between thinking ‘oh well it’s just my diagnosis’ to excuse it and also feeling disgusted with myself that I was such a horrendous person.

My relationships were also horrendous. After I had broken up with my sixth form boyfriend, I dated a huge amount of people and all of these relationships were short lived and many of them involved me being treated pretty badly. Although I was not in the wrong in the vast majority of these relationships, I still felt desperate for any of them to love me. I was convinced that the reason they could not love me was because of my mental health issues.

It was one of these men that caused my breakdown in my third year of university. My mental health had been pretty bad for months before this happened and my housemates were having to calm me down pretty frequently but when yet another guy told me I wasn’t what he wanted, I broke down.

I was at my placement in mental health services when he called me to tell me he didn’t want to see me again and that I wasn’t girlfriend material. It was everything that my internal voice told me but it was being said out loud and I started to cry and then couldn’t stop. I left placement, went back to my student house and took a cocktail of anti-depressants and any paracetamol or ibuprofen that I happened to have in my room. Washing it down with red wine I’m not really sure what was going through my head. My housemate said when he found me that I didn’t look depressed, I looked manic. I ran from the house to stop him calling an ambulance but instead he called the police. When I eventually came home the police had to calm me down and persuade me to go with the ambulance to the hospital.

It was after this escapade that I realised I couldn’t avoid mental health services any longer. The psychiatric nurse said as soon as we’d finished our assessment that he felt there was a possibility of borderline personality disorder – something which was confirmed by other professionals. I didn’t react when he told me because it was exactly what I expected. I was just sad that it was true.

I’m still coming to terms with having my diagnosis but I’m not letting it control my life. I’m doing my research so that I know what I want and can make informed decisions about my care. I’m hoping to go back to university in January and I strongly believe that my experiences will allow me to talk to service users suffering with mental health issues (and personality disorders in particular) in a way that challenges the stigma and shows them that they don’t need to be afraid of what they have. Nothing has changed for the negative since finding out what’s wrong with me. In fact, I feel relief that I know now and that I am getting the support that I need.

For more of Grace's work, you can view her Buzzfeed Community article here at: https://www.buzzfeed.com/gracel24/sheridan-smith-is-more-of-a-role-model-now-than-be-jmjk

The Power of Storytelling: Amy's story

Amy writes about her experience of Dermatillomania for the Student Minds "Power of Storytelling" Campaign

-Amy Walker

 Hello, I’m Amy Walker from Under the Surface. I am an 18 year old blogger in Scotland that currently blogs in her spare time. My blog posts are based on things I am passionate about such as my personal experiences and opinions. I also blog regularly about mental health.

What has inspired you to share your story?

When I discovered that my mental health problem had a name and diagnosis rather than it being a bad habit, I took great comfort in reading about others who have Dermatillomania. I would search it on twitter and read blog posts about it. I started blogging shortly after and was asked to write a piece for Stigma Fighters Teen. Writing for them made me realise that not only were there other people who suffered from mental health issues, but they were also incredibly passionate about helping to reduce the stigma surrounding mental health. The sense that there was a real community of people on the Internet and on social media, who were collectively working together to reduce the stigma around mental health, was something that I really wanted to be involved in.

Has telling your story helped you?

Each time I tell my story through blog posts on various sites, I feel refreshed. It is a little reminder that, again, it is not a bad habit but something much stronger that I am trying to fight. These little reminders are important, especially in situations where I tend to question myself and ask myself why I do certain things. Writing about mental health issues has allowed me to combine my passion for writing and my avid interest in mental health. This has not only helped me, but also has allowed me to do something that I enjoy and makes me happy.

Has telling your story helped anyone else?

I really hope so! I can’t say for sure because Dermatillomania is not well known about and a lot of people suffer without knowing they have it. However, I feel that I am achieving my main aim, which is to raise awareness about many different mental health conditions.

What did you find hardest about sharing your story?

It is the hurdle I have still not jumped which is sharing it with people I know. I am only close to a few people in my personal life who are aware I have Dermatillomania. However, they don’t know that I write about it. Those that are not close to me have no idea about either. I have planned to share my blog soon, but I want to get into a routine and build more of a community first.

Do you have advice for someone who is thinking of sharing their story?

If you are nervous then you can test the waters by Guest Posting on other sites, which gives you the opportunity to distance your story from your personal social media/site. You can also remain anonymous until you have received some feedback and are more confident with your decision to share your story.

Do you have any useful information on your mental health condition?

Dermatillomania is one of many body focused repetitive behaviour conditions. The condition involves repeatedly picking at areas of the body. Personally, I pick at skin on my scalp on a daily basis. I also occasionally pick at my face and lips. Although the condition is something that I do to myself physically, it is to do with what is going on in my mind. Dermatillomania is often linked to other mental health conditions such as OCD and anxiety.

For those who suffer with conditions such as Dermatillomania, information and helpful advice can be found on the following websites:

http://www.skinpick.com/dermatillomania

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/dermatillomania/Pages/Introduction.aspx

http://www.bandbacktogether.com/dermatillomania-resources/

Booking an appointment with your GP can also provide support in terms of diagnosis and treatment. 

Are you interested in getting involved in The Power of Story Telling Blog series? Please don’t hesitate to get in touch blog@studentminds.org

The Power of Story Telling: Hannah's Experience

Hannah Rainey has written for Student Minds 'Power of Story Telling' campaign with her own experience of sharing her story.

Hello! I'm Hannah, and I'm currently working in Marketing. I'm 20 years old, and started my blog in December 2015. Having suffered with anxiety and depression, mental health is a subject close to my heart and therefore one of the main categories on my blog. I feel very strongly about eliminating the stigma surrounding mental health and want to do as much as I can to help other people with a mental illness. http://littlethoughtsblog.com/

What inspired you to share your story?

To help other people. If I can help even just one person, I will be happy. I know how tough it is, and I know that when I was really suffering, I didn't always know where to look for help and support. For that reason, I want to provide that help and support for people who need it. Another main reason is to reduce stigma - I think a lot of the stigma surrounding mental illness comes down to lack of education, and people just don't talk about it enough. It needs to be recognised and spoken about - so that's what I'm doing.

Has telling your story helped you?

On the whole definitely yes. It wasn't easy by any means, but that's why I blog. I find that blogging about my experiences is much easier for me - when I write I am able to get more out. When writing one particular post, I sobbed the whole time. I just couldn't stop crying whilst writing it. But as soon as I'd finished, the most enormous weight was lifted. Also, the level of support in the blogging community is absolutely crazy. There are so many mental health blogs out there that really help me to understand that I'm not on my own or abnormal - mental illness really is common - and different people have different tips and advice.

Has telling your story helped anyone else?

I guess it's hard to say for certain, but I had some really positive comments on two of my posts. One gave tips on coping with anxiety, and the other an open letter to the person who stood by me through depression. People commented saying that they found my blog really inspiring, the tips were really useful, and I'd given them hope. To me, that's why sharing my story is so important. It fills me with joy to know that I have given somebody hope that it will get better. Hope is vital.

What did you find hardest about sharing your story?

Looking back on my experience, and realisation of what I've been through. Remembering what it was like, the things I was thinking. I absolutely cannot bare the thought of somebody else going through that. I found it really, really tough to look back on myself at that time, because I wasn't myself. I was a different person. This is particularly hard for me because I desperately miss the person I was before mental illness. So right now, I'm working on getting that person back.

Do you have any advice for someone who is thinking of sharing their story?

I would definitely recommend it, but only when you are ready. As I said, it's very difficult to look back on yourself. Even now I find it heartbreaking to acknowledge what I was feeling and even more so, what I was thinking. You absolutely have to be ready. Look back on yourself yes, with sadness at what you went through, but with hope and strength for the future. You will know when that time is. 

Why do you think it's important for people to share their story?

I think that feeling isolated is one of the most horrific things about mental illness, and all the time people are sharing their stories and putting them out there, we can reduce that isolation. I also think that getting our stories out there almost creates this 'army' of incredibly strong people who have beaten some serious challenges. That 'army' in itself provides hope that things can change and that there really is that 'light at the end of the tunnel.' Hope is what kept me going. We absolutely need to end the stigma surrounding mental illness and all the time people share their experiences we are slowly doing that. We must keep going and keep campaigning.

Are you interested in getting involved in The Power Of Story Telling Blog series? Please dont hesitate to get in touch blog@studentminds.org

The Power of Story Telling: Megan's Experience

Megan has written for Student Minds 'Power of Story Telling' campaign using her own experiences to share her story.

Hello, my name is Megan and am a senior in college studying communications and hoping to work in the Mental Health field. I am a member and co-leader of Team Not Ashamed, a movement started by Rachel Griffen. The movement is to help others with their mental illness and all six girls that I run it with have suffered from some form of mental illness or another. I have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and have suffered depression in the past. Other than that, I work part time and spend my free time lifting weights, reading, writing, and trying to new things.

What inspired you to share your story?

I had been vocal about my battles with mental illness and finally started thinking about creating a blog for myself as an outlet. I shared my story on my WordPress and from there it grew. 

Has telling your story helped you?

It has defiantly. I am able to share my thoughts and feelings into a space where I can vent my frustrations but also help others. It has helped accept my anxiety and depression which was very hard for me to accept. 

Has telling your story helped anyone else?

Yes it has. Numerous friends of mine or high school friends have approached me talking about their struggles with mental illness. I joined Twitter around Jan of 2016 and started to channel my voice there and soon became involved with Team Not Ashamed. I began blogging more and I was getting positive feedback from so many people. I want to be the voice for others, those that are afraid to speak up about their mental illness. I believe mental illness is very important but society doesn’t see it so and looks at it like a stigma. I want to be get rid of that stigma. 

What did you find hardest about sharing your story?

I think the most daunting thing about sharing my story was being open to millions of people who view or had viewed my blog. But at the same time, I thought about the many people that I could help by sharing my story and that outweighed the apprehension of sharing it. 

Do you have any advice for someone who is thinking of sharing their story?

It is daunting but don’t be afraid. You’ll never realize the impact your voice and story could have on someone. I know it’s scary but it’s worth it. Take that chance and make your voice heard.

Are you interested in getting involved in The Power Of Story Telling Blog series? Please dont hesitate to get in touch blog@studentminds.org

Depression Awareness Week: How friends and family can help

Students have shared what they have learnt about their expression with depression and what others have done to help them. 

-Lottie Naughton and Grace Anderson

This week is Depression Awareness Week. We want to share with you some advice from those who have been there and what their friends and family have done to help them through their darkest times. Supporting someone with depression can be very difficult, and it can be hard to watch someone you love so much spiral into a very dark place. You might not know what to say or how to act, so hearing from others what helped them could help you in supporting someone close to you. This week, take the time to ask a friend how they're doing, if they need some support or if they simply need a shoulder to cry on; you could really be making a huge difference to someones life.

Interaction and inclusion

When someone you know is hiding themselves away from the world, not participating in everyday life, it can be tough to reach out and get them involved. Small and thoughtful interactions with a person can really make their day, making them feel important and loved. Here are some everyday things friends and family have done for that really made a difference to them:

• Spending time with me
• Texts and phone calls to see how I am doing are always the best
• Unexpected texts, phone calls, cards, gifts - a little reminder that someone is thinking of you goes a long way 
• Taking me for a drive 
• Going on a walk with me
• Dancing around and being silly - always making me laugh 
• Invited me to places even though I didn't always attend or it was hard to include me
• Sometimes they don't have to address the depression, but not giving up on me is important
• Making me a cup of tea when I need one

Kind and thoughtful surprises 

A little gift or small act of kindness shows a person they are in your thoughts and that they mean a lot to you. Sending someone a card, or planning a special day out might not seem like much to you, but for someone struggling it can make a world of difference. Here are some thoughtful surprises that have really helped:

• Buddy Boxes 
• Sending me surprise gifts in the post
• Writing me meaningful cards
• Driven a long way to come and see me when I needed them
• Planned fun things

Unconditional and emotional support

Feeling lonely and fighting a constant battle with yourself is emotionally draining and isolating. Having someone you know you can rely on to talk to and tell you that they love you can be the light shining in on a dark gloomy day for some. Here are some examples of emotional and unconditional support received:

• Reminding me always that they love me 
• Telling me that I am not alone and I don't have to face it on my own - "We are here for you"
• Unconditional support, no matter what is going on
• Not judging me or making me feel as though I am bringing them down
• Never being disappointed in me if I have a set back or a bad day
• Listened to me - this is the best thing that anyone can do
• Simply been there with me when I was in crisis
• Telling me how proud they are of me 

Educated and thoughtful support

Being educated on depression and how it can affect individuals in different ways is an important way of showing you care. This can also help you to understand what your loved one is really going through. Here are some examples of times when a loved one has offered a thoughtful and educated response, which have been found to really help those experiencing depression:

• Never leaving me alone when I should not have been on my own 
• Encouraged me to try new things and to meet new people to boost my confidence
• Patiently listening to me talking about how I felt even if I constantly repeat the same things over and over again
• Made me talk, when I needed to but really didn't know how
• Watching out for the signs, so they could approach me if they thought I was relapsing
• Never felt the need to hide my illness from other friends and family due to possible embarrassment of me suffering with a mental illness
• Knowing when to give me some time alone but not letting me isolate myself from the world
• When I was at my lowest point, a nurse said to me - "there's only one way to go from rock bottom"

Supporting someone with depression is hard, but it can be so powerful and worthwhile. It's important to remember that although it might feel stressful for you, what they are going through will always be worse. Offering a helping hand in a time of need is a loving and encouraging act that can really make the difference to someones life.

In the words of Stephen Fry:

The Power of Story Telling: Nicole's Experience

Nicole has written for Student Minds 'Power of Story Telling' campaign using her own experiences to share her story.

Hello everyone! My name is Nicole Campbell (aka @soupernic) and I am a mental health advocate from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in the United States. I am a public health student and my specialisation is Health Education and Promotion, so I can spread mental health awareness on a larger scale. I started my blog, Souper Mental, this year to write about my experiences living with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder, as well as mental health issues such as the impact of language that stigmatises mental illnesses.  I am also a public speaker for my local branch of a national mental health organization, have written for several mental health websites, and am one of the co-leaders for Team Not Ashamed-the #imnotashamed movement. ­I love pretty much anything mental health-related!

What inspired you to share your story?

To be honest, it was a combination of several things. I struggled with mental health stigma for many years because mental health is viewed as a taboo subject in many parts of the world. I thought there was something fundamentally wrong with me for a long time because I didn’t know that all the horrible symptoms I experienced (panic attacks that made me feel like I was dying, depressive episodes that essentially prevented me from functioning, etc.), were the result of treatable conditions. I’ve learned that being honest and transparent about my feelings with psychiatrists and therapists has helped me immensely and allowed me to start my recovery process. Losing the stigma helped me get better treatment. I want to tell my story to encourage people to open up because they shouldn’t have to bear the weight of stigma, and it will allow them to get the help they deserve. Secondly, I didn’t really have anyone who I could relate to and I wanted to be that for others by sharing my story. Furthermore, I found out after I told my family about my diagnoses that I had family members who also experienced mental illness but didn't talk about it. So, I wanted to break the cycle of being silenced by stigma.

Has telling your story helped you?

Absolutely! Every time I put my thoughts into words or speak to an audience, it’s cathartic and reinforces the fact that I’ve been on the right path for recovery. It has been amazing to look back at pieces or speeches I have written because they remind me of how much progress I have made. Telling my story is a form of therapy to me. It has allowed me to meet some amazing people and led me to great opportunities, including writing this post. What has been amazing is how much it has influenced my career choice. I want to become a mental health educator and plan programs for people of all ages to break down the barriers that get in the way of people telling their stories and receiving help. 

Has telling your story helped anyone else?

It has and that is the most amazing part of telling my story. I feel lucky that people read what I write and take in what I say during my speeches. People have written to me about how my story has touched their lives and how they can relate, which is surreal to me as a person who was previously frightened by the idea of people finding out about my struggles. It’s an honor to be that person who starts the conversation for others and I have been privileged enough to be the first person some people have opened up to about their mental health issues. The most important person who opened up to me was my stepdad. He previously wasn’t so understanding towards my struggles when I was younger, but because I am so vocal about my experiences, it gave him the courage to seek help for his severe anxiety and he apologised for not supporting me in the past. We will forever have a special bond because we both understand each others' experiences.

What did you find hardest about telling your story?

The hardest part was accepting that it’s okay to not be okay. Sometimes as a mental health advocate, I feel pressure to be “on” or seem like I’m completely recovered/happy. The fact of living with mental illness is that recovery is not a destination or a linear process, it’s a continuous journey. People respect you more when you’re transparent about your struggles than when to try to paint a perfect picture that’s not genuine. Opening up about how I have bad days helps other people (and me) accept that having a bad day doesn’t negate all the progress made so far. One of my favorite phrases is “It’s a bad day, not a bad life.” I will have bad days and not every post will be 100% positive, but I try to reflect that I still have hope no matter what life throws my way. 

Do you have any advice for someone who is thinking of sharing their story?

Don’t feel pressured to try to compete with other people’s stories. Your story is important and you have a unique perspective on life and mental health. I’m a recovering perfectionist, so I understand the desire to make your story seem “perfect”. Don’t let perfect get in the way of good because perfectionism can prevent you from getting your story out there and prevent you from helping someone. Also, if you’re worried about the ramifications of sharing your story (ie. if it will affect your job, relationships, etc.), you can create an anonymous blog. I know several people with twitter accounts and blogs that don’t display any personal info, but they are still able to openly express themselves. Lastly, sometimes you can help your story have a bigger impact by incorporating mental health statistics. Your story can make mental health issues feel more personal, and the statistics can help people see the bigger picture.

Why do you think it’s important for people to share their story?

Sharing your story gives you the ability to put your experiences out there. It’s a great way to reflect on what you have gone through and lose whatever stigmatising feelings you have. Everyone’s story is important. Mental illness doesn’t discriminate, so when people of different races, genders, cultures, etc. share their experiences, barriers are broken down. People are more likely to seek help if they see stories written by people like them who have gone through similar situations, and have been helped. I know hearing about people around my age and celebrities talk about their mental illnesses (such as Demi Lovato), helped make me less ashamed about my experiences. Everyone with mental health issues deserves to live without stigma and for every story shared, another battle against stigma is won.

Are you interested in getting involved in The Power Of Story Telling Blog series? Please dont hesitate to get in touch blog@studentminds.org